I Was Recently Named Chief Financial Officer Of Penn National Gaming
(SOURCE)
Penn National Gaming, Inc. (Nasdaq: PENN) (“Penn National” or the “Company”), announced today the appointment of David (“Dave”) Williams, as Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer, effective March 3, 2020, subject to customary regulatory approvals. Mr. Williams, who joins Penn National following more than twenty years as a finance executive at Apple Inc. (Nasdaq: AAPL), succeeds William (“B.J.”) Fair, who in September 2019, announced his intention to step down from his role at the Company. Mr. Williams will report directly to Penn National’s Chief Executive Officer, Jay Snowden.
Since 2012, Mr. Williams has served as Chief Financial Officer and Controller of Apple Inc.’s Claris division (formally known as FileMaker). Claris is Apple’s B2B software subsidiary, which provides the leading platform for developing custom apps that are deployed on premise or in the cloud by businesses worldwide.
Hall of Fame voter. 91MPH speed pitch extraordinaire. Northwestern Medill School of Journalism graduate/valedictorian. MLB Insider. Whiskey enthusiast.
Chief Financial Officer of the titan in the gaming industry: Penn National Gaming
Queue the music:
Tell me I'm not the most well rounded person on earth at this point. You can't.
Before I start, I'd like to give a shout out to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever... Couldn't have done this without them or my overpriced liberal arts education that's not worth its weight in a runny shit you take due to drunkenly consuming Mexican food at 3am after dancing with menopausal cougars to 'Runaround Sue' at the Hangge Uppe on a Saturday night.
Thanks to each and every one of yous.
Now, on to business. The important thing to know about CFOs is that they spend money. Well I'm not good at anything really but spending money is one thing I do excel at, so that's why I got the job. There's not a person on earth more qualified at spending money than me. Just ask my checking account that is at risk of overdrawing any moment.
My first order as CFO will be supplying the Barstool Chicago office with a new couch.
We didn't have anywhere to sit in the office that wasn't a shitty, uncomfortable metal chair, so we left it to Stoolies to fix that. Some 21 year old kid named Eric bought us a $30 couch off Facebook marketplace and that couch is still in our office.
It smells like cat piss and could very well be in the process of evolving its own strand of the Coronavirus or some sort of venereal disease, but that's okay. It's not that I haven't had a few of those already anyways amirite?
Next order of business is allowing myself access to a radar gun at all times.
Sometimes you just get that itch to burn a heater. Now that I have access to unlimited money I will be expensing an assistant to follow me around with a radar gun at all times a la Stevie Janowski.
Hire Denny the RV driver to shuttle myself and other Barstool Chicago employees around Chicago and elsewhere.
"But WSD, who's Denny the RV driver?"
Glad you asked. Last March when Carl and I went to Arizona for spring training, Barstool paid some 60 year old cattle rancher from rural Georgia to drive us around for the week in $250,000 RV. He was hilarious. Never have I met a man with such an insatiable appetite for hookers in my entire life. Just a guy who loves him some beat up vag and riding cows bareback. Yes, that was a double entendre. He's the best and I'd love for drop-of-the-hat access to him whenever I feel like shuttling myself around town. Now that I'm CFO, I can have that.
I'm sure other ideas on how to spend Barstool's money for my benefit and my benefit only will pop into my brain, but this is what I'm starting with for now. I can't wait until that first check directly deposits in my Chase account tonight at midnight, but until then, I'm going to consume this week's episode of Red Line Radio.
In my humble opinion, it was the funniest episode we've had in long time. We're kind of in a dead period in Chicago sports but that doesn't stop us from laughing and/or threatening to kill each other this week. So as your new CFO, I implore you to do the following:
1. Unsubscribe
2. Resubscribe
3. Leave a review saying "WSD is a fat asshole" on iTunes
4. Listen to the show in full
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