Two days ago we witnessed a Patriots game in which the offense struggled like they could really use a freakishly athletic, unstoppable, 265-pound, high performance blocking and pass catching cyborg. And yet, when the perfect person for the job announced that he was going to make a "big announcement," I refused to take the cheese by believing his announcement had anything to do with solving our problems:
I assumed Rob Gronkowski was playing with our emotions to sell something. Because he is a next-level marketing genius. He's a bigger, faster, more well-endowed Don Draper. He's Dong Draper. And no one knows how to turn the public's interest in him into profit the way Gronk does. So it should come as a shock to no one that he's done it again this time.
Future Hall of Famer and 3X Super Bowl champion Rob Gronkowski is no stranger to Big Game Weekend. He may not be playing in the game this year, but he is taking Miami by storm with his personal music festival – Gronk Beach.
"We are going for the championship of partying with my very own music festival Big Game Weekend in Miami - Gronk Beach! Get ready to dance on the beach with A-list performers Diplo, Kaskade & Rick Ross, all my friends and family, beach performers, and oh yea, all the food and drinks you can handle! - Gronk"
And there you have it. Right again, Old Balls. You watch the sun come up in the East every day for a few decades and after a while you notice a pattern. Gronk isn't going to just announce he's throwing a party. He's going to toy with the emotions of his fans who are watching his old team struggle in the red zone thanks to a 38-year-old and two Clone Troopers at tight end to maximize interest.
So his announcement turns out to be, in essence, a flyer for a beach-themed bash at Alpha Delta Phi. Right down to the exclamation points, ampersands, the use of "party" as a verb. Everything but the legal right to use the copyrighted term "Super Bowl."
I'm not mad about it. On the contrary, I admire the business acumen it takes. In an age of White Claw, hipster couples with baby strollers sipping IPAs at brew pubs and beer ads featuring medieval knights and castles, Gronk has carved out a niche as America's Party Animal. The likes of which we haven't seen since Spuds McKenzie. And if he can make a fortune going Shirtless O'Clock with the tourists, more power to him. Milk this for all it's worth.
I'm going to therefore assume that if he's planning on spending
Super Bowl Big Game Weekend shaking that ass to Rick Ross, he won't be going over last minute play installs with Josh McDaniels and Tom Brady. Got it. I still love the guy. And if he needs a handsome, grey haired older gentleman to take one for the team in order to pull off his music festival, Gronk knows where to find me.