Gronk Announces His 'Big Announcement' Coming Tomorrow and I'm Announcing it Won't Be a 'Big Announcement'

I take a back seat to no man when it comes to my respect and affection for both Rob Gronkowski the person and Gronk, the larger than life character he's created. He's been great to Barstool generally and me in person. He's a genuinely nice guy just making his way in this world before the zombie apocalypse destroys it all, just like all of us. So don't take any of what I'm about to say the wrong way. 

This announcement is going to be a Royale with Cheese nothingburger. At least in terms of anything football, Patriots, unretirement, run for a seventh ring related. Meaning anything that would involve an "announcement" that any of us would have a reason to consider "big." 

Again, I love the guy. But he makes more announcements than an elementary school's principal's office. And the next one that involves anything to do with the helping the Patriots win Super Bowl LIV will be the first. Not that I begrudge it. On the contrary; I admire it. Gronk is never going to be confused with the guys who solve complex equations on a white board at MIT. But when it comes to marketing himself, keeping the public interested, manipulating the media and selling his brand, he's a genius. 

It's like a kind of social media alchemy. He recognizes that the longer he keeps the "will he/won't he" unretirement narrative alive, the more time that gives him to turn that interest and those clicks into gold. So every business venture gets the "big announcement" treatment for maximum eyeballs and we keep eating it up because we can't help it. We're suckers for it. Like the rubes who'd pay extra to go see freaks at the circus or send money to TV preachers who say they have healing powers or buy Jets season tickets. 

I'd just caution Gronk that he's starting to overplay this hand. He did it when he announced his CDB business. When he joined Fox Sports. He kind of did it when he held that motorsports press conference last year. And it's getting to the point of self parody. "There once was a shepherd boy who was bored as he sat on the hillside watching the village sheep. To amuse himself he took a great breath and sang out, 'Wolf! Wolf! The Wolf is chasing the sheep!'" And you don't want that. It's hard to get and keep the public's attention. But it's damned near impossible to get it back once you've lost it. Just ask everyone who used to work at Deadspin.

So, while I've been holding out as much hope as anybody that Gronk will come back for the stretch run, I have zero confidence that tomorrow's "big" thing will have anything to do with it. If I had to rank the possibilities I'll say the most likely are:

--His CDB business is launching a line of gummies.

--He's doing a reality show.

--"Deez nutz."

--His brother has a new water bottle coming out.

--69.

--"Cannonball!!!"

But other than one of those possibilities? Nothing to see here.