8 Tell-Tale Signs You Might Be Shorter Than 5'9"

While it's no secret that shortness is nothing more than a social construct, exploring or experimenting with your height can still be terrifying and confusing for many people.  Especially for men, who are known for being more emotionally vulnerable and susceptible to shortphobic insults. As a 26-year-old man who only just realized and accepted that I might fall somewhere below 5'9" on the shortness spectrum, I'm confident that I can give fellow adult males some insight on a few of the signs to look out for if you're still unsure if you're extremely short or not.

1. A reputable news outlet refers to you as "short"

No matter how you try to spin it, journalism is the unbiased and objective reporting of cold, hard facts. Unfortunately, reading these journalistic facts can oftentimes be shocking or morbid, especially when they're about your own self.

While some elite athletes and celebrities possess the keen foresight and awareness to already know specific details about their height, most people don't realize that they're actually short until it's officially reported by a prominent news outlet like The Huffington Post or the Barstool Sports backup Twitter account.

2. An expert satirist refers to you as "tall"

Masterful comedians who are highly skilled at performing the art of satire will frequently utilize weapons like irony to express things that are actually, as twisted as this sounds, the opposite of the truth. If you see one of these "rascals of ruse" refer to you as "tall," then this could very well be a red flag or sign that you're, in fact, short.

3. You've been temporarily or permanently stuck in an industrial ice machine during a shift at your part-time job in the food service industry

The first time I truly questioned my height, and whether or not I might be shorter than 5'9", was when an incident like this happened to me at Jimmy John's and my coworker/ex-friend posted an incriminating photo on his Snapchat Story.

4. A girl who's fluent in sarcasm flirts/fornicates with you

In the unlikely scenario that you come across the rare breed of woman who is an articulate and fluent master of Sarcasm, your shortness is most likely directly correlated to how flirtatious she is with you. For example, if she compliments the blouse or mittens you're wearing in one of your Tinder photos, then you're most likely in the 5'7" to 5'8" range.

-If she asks you out on a date (e.g. Pinkberry, Build-A-Bear Workshop, Sky Zone Trampoline Park): ~5'5" to 5'6" manlet

-If she hints at wanting to hook up/kiss you: ~5'3"-5'4" munchkin

-If she actually fucks/pegs you: ~5'2"U Hobbit/Stud Champion

5. Your driver's license says you're 5'10"+

Getting a job at the DMV requires little to no education, knowledge, or tangible skills. As a result, the employees there will often carelessly skew calculations and put false personal information on their clients' driver's licenses, much to the dismay of the men affected. Speaking from experience, nothing is more frustrating than having an ID that reflects the height of someone who's two to three inches taller than me. It hasn't happened yet, but I'll be furious as hell if that error ever leads to issues with law enforcement or airport security.

6. You're a professional jockey or have an affinity for hanging around/taking pictures with professional jockeys

7. You ruled ancient Egypt from 3150 to 30 BCE

8. You get offended/throw a hissy fit when female comedians make jokes about short men

Manlets and "heightcels" are naturally inclined to get offended or throw tantrums when women in comedy make jokes at their expense, regardless of how witty or expertly-crafted they are. If you didn't laugh out loud at all of the tweets above, then there's a great chance you're under 5'9". If steam came out of your little ears and you found yourself punching furniture or drywall with your itsy bitsy hands, then you might be much shorter than 5'9".