Lindsay Vonn Brags About How Tiger Doesn't Leave The Toilet Seat Up

(NEWSER) – We can think of so many potential complaints about Tiger Woods as a boyfriend, but apparently none of them has yet troubled Lindsey Vonn. “There’s really nothing about him that bothers me,” she gushes to People. “He doesn’t even leave the seat up! It’s awesome.” Vonn, reflecting on her January divorce, says, “I went from being married to living on my own in LA, to having a new boyfriend and just being totally self-sufficient and super independent.” In case we haven’t yet gotten the point, she adds, “It’s awesome. I love it!” Vonn has been rehabbing her shattered knee, and says she’ll be ready for next year’s Olympic Games in Sochi. Tiger is “hoping to come,” she says. “He’s kind of a fish out of water in the cold weather. It’s going to be really cute!”

Hey Lindsay you know Tiger used to piss on whores, right? Like out of every direction you could have gone with this “My boyfriend is so cute and perfect!” bit, his bathroom habits was probably the last one you should have taken. Maybe the reason he never leaves the seat up is because he doesn’t even use the toilet. Maybe any time Tiger Woods has to pee, he calls up a prostitute to come over and open up wide. Maybe he just keeps them in his closet for that very purpose. Tiger doesn’t even know what a toilet is anymore. He just pees on women.

Lets just call a spade a spade. He’s a billionaire. Just come out and be like “There’s really nothing about him that bothers me because he’s worth billions.” Because there’s absolutely no way any woman on God’s green earth can know that a man used to text porn stars and prostitutes asking them if they were interested in “golden showers” out of “morbid curiosity” and not be bothered by it.