Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Liverpool vs Arsenal – Beatdown Coming?” Edition

Sam's Army8/24/2019 1:06 AM

Sam’s Safe Space for Soccer Stoolies

Hi Haters™,

Guys. Gals. We made it – kinda. There is technically a college football game tomorrow, albeit only one of them and it doesn’t kickoff until 6pm CT so the full day of soccer beers transitioning into (real) football beers transitioning into striking out with the opposite sex is still a week away… but tomorrow will be a nice little preview to ease us in.

So let’s get to it…

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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Results from last weekend:

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POWER RANKINGS

TOP 4
1. City
2. Liverpool
3. Tottenham
4. Arsenal
Honorable mention: United, Wolves, Lester, Brighton

BOTTOM 3
20. Newcastle
19. Watford
18. Southampton
Dishonorable mention: West Ham, Palace, Chelsea, Everton

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The table as things stand:

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And this weekend schedule:

Everton. Godamn Everton, you beautifully predictable bastard.

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PICKS OF THE WEEKEND

Liverpool [-210]
Arsenal [+500]
Draw [+375]

First and foremost, before I offer some extremely unbiased thoughts on what to watch for in this game, let me add this little op-ed: this game should be…….. AWESOME. There is a good chance that the mere fact of me saying this means we are in store for a nil-nil yawnfest, but such is my confidence that these two teams are incapable of engaging in that kinda game that I am willing to shoulder the burden of blame for possibly jinxing things.

Liverpool are basically Kim Kardashian. Ridiculously stacked in the back. Lots going on up top. But a little thin in the middle. Has made some questionable decisions (looking at you Adrian/Kris Humphries) but at the end of the day tough to argue that they aren’t winning at life right now.

Arsenal – in my personal estimation – are essentially Alex Jones. Compelling when on the attack but in the end, if you actually break things down a little bit, their defense doesn’t make much sense and is ultimately destined to fall apart.

Whoops, think I just gave away my prediction right there. To be clear, I got Arsenal finishing top four this year so it’s not that I am THAT down on them. In fact I’d if you wanna get silly and take them at +500 or so that’s probably some pretty serious value for a team that should be able to score against anybody and given that Liverpool, especially on defense (strangely enough), has not been all that and a bag of chips this season. Teemu Pukki could have had a hat trick week 1 and Danny Ings SHOULD have had a brace last week. Strange but true.

In the end though, I gotta go with Liverpool at home. Too many weapons and David Luiz has yet to officially make his presence felt at Arsenal with one of those mistakes that only U-12 defenders and David Luiz are capable of committing. Chelsea (and PSG) fans know what I’m talking about. Only a matter of time.

Liverpool to win 3-1.

Norwich [+315]
Chelsea [-130]
Draw [+290]

STONE COLD LOCK OF THE WEEK: Norwich, bless their hearts, have so far this season been very watchable and more importantly pretty damn good. Chelsea have been all over the place, shitting the bed against United, then putting in an impressive 90 minutes against Liverpool and an even better 25 minutes against Lester… before falling to shit for the next 65 minutes.

This pick is more based on faith than form. Norwich is flying high on their big win against Newcastle but the sad truth is that Newcastle is bunk af at the moment, and Chelsea (probably) has a healthy N’Golo Kante and (definitely) an extra motivated The Babyjesus that is ready to unleash a world of hurt on someone. Pray for the Canaries. Chelsea to win 2-1.

Here are some more predictions (to increase the possibility that I eventually get one right – maybe):

• Brighton 0-1 SOUTHAMPTON – The Seagulls have been (arguably) the early surprise of the season pulling out four points from their first two games, never mind the fact they were against a Watford squad that has been hopelessly lost to start the season and a West Ham team that has reverted to its traditional allergic-to-success self. Degen gamblers know what I’m talking about when I say that Southampton is DUE for a good result, especially after a dang good performance against Liverpool last week netted them precisely zero points. The soccer gods giveth, the soccer gods taketh away – this time in the opposite order.

• UNITED 2-0 Palace – I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what to think of this Palace squad right now. Held Everton to a scoreless draw then stunk up the joint and lost to Sheffield 0-1 last week. If the Toffees had looked slightly better I might give Palace the benefit of the doubt. As it is though United’s defense has been quietly VERY good this season… so while Zaha can come up with a moment of genius at any moment against any defense, tough to imagine them bouncing back from a turrrrrrrrribe performance against Sheffield Utd to beat United at Old Trafford. (Big time jinx right there.)

• Sheffield Utd 0-2 LESTER – Good for the Blades snagging three points against Palace last week. Lester is a very different beast. The Foxes have quietly looked great through two games while miraculously only compiling two points (a reflection of very good competition in Wolves and Chelsea).This game has Lester win written all over it.

• Watford 1-1 West Ham – JACKPOT ASS GAME OF THE WEEK! Seriously though, the loser of this game – which would be BOTH teams if they draw – is going to find themselves up shit creek with a paddle… or manager in the case of Watford, whose management has had a hair trigger on sending coaches packing in the past. (Sidenote: I think firing Javi Gracia would be a big mistake but then again I’m a dummy.) Both teams have a lot of talent and have shown absolutely nothing so far this season. One or more likely both are going to blossom into better teams soon… not sure this will be the week though.

• Bournemouth 0-4 CITY – The amount of luck it took for Spurs to hold City to a draw last weekend bottles the mind. City made only two mistakes over the course of 90 minutes and Tottenham punished both of them. Ridiculous. Now they mad. Sorry Cherries. You bout to get popped.

• TOTTENHAM 3-0 Newcastle – The Magpies are too big a club to be this bad. Tubbs Ashley needs to go.

• WOLVES 2-0 BURNLEY – Credit to Burnley for putting up a solid fight last weekend in a tough environment at the Emirates… but playing at the Mollineux against this Wolves squad is even less fun.

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LAP AROUND THE WORLD

GERMANY – Schalke hosting Bayern on Saturday (11:30am CT) and Eintracht visiting RB Leipzig on Sunday (8:30am CT) are two borderline must-see games.

SPAIN – Barcelona fresh off their week one loss face Real Betis at the Nou Camp on Sunday (2pm CT)… Messi looking unlikely makes it all the more interesting.

ITALY – WE BACK! Ribery’s Fiorentina – yep, that felt weird to write – welcoming Napoli on Saturday (1:45pm CT) is best of the opening weekend in Serie A.

MLS – RIVALRY WEEK! Great games all over the place… in fact shouts to MLS for packing one weekend so full of legitimate rivalries: