Ranking Every "Gator" Person's Odds Of Catching The Gator
Tomorrow marks 1 full week of gator hunting in a Chicago park district and zero progress has been made. Throughout the past 6 days I’ve gotten to know some of the gator hunters on scene, both professionals and beginners, and watched back film for a scouting report on each. Let’s break down each member of the Gator family’s likelihood of becoming the hero this city needs.
5. Gator Michael
Real quick—I don’t know that Michael is his actual name because he wouldn’t say, but if you want to get on a first-name basis with someone you have to at least guess. Gator Mike’s a tricky one to start the rankings off with. He has no desire to catch an alligator, but at the same time he’s one of few authorized people on scene who actually have the permission to. He’s got the tools but not the drive. You gotta want it in the gator hunt. He was the “I’ll be here for moral support” guy during syllabus week, but come Gator Hunt week 2 he may be forced to pick up a paddle. Can’t be volunteering to be ref when teams are uneven Michael. Don’t get me wrong, I like GM. He’s easily the nicest of all the Gators. But being nice doesn’t catch you an alligator. 6 to 1 odds and that’s being respectful.
4. Gator Bob
You either love or hate Gator Bob at this point. Before we get any further, you gotta stop and acknowledge the fact that an animal control officer now has his own haters. GB’s stock has been falling pretty dramatically over the past 3 days, almost to the point where we may have to remove his title of Gator. As soon as he said he was “open to suggestions” he reverted back to being Robert again. Bob’s still technically the only one of us who can enter the lagoon without getting arrested, but he plays too much by the book to stand a chance against the vigilante hunters. I mean we’re on day 7 of trying to get a drug dealer’s wild alligator out of a Chicago park lagoon. PETA would understand if prison rules were instated at this point. Gator Bob’s passion and strife definitely don’t go unnoticed, but his ethics are getting in the way of the main goal. It’s time to drop the “no more Mr. Nice Guy” bomb on ‘em already Bob. 4 to 1 odds for the artist formerly known as Gator Bob.
3. Gator Rick
Gator Rick’s kind of a sworn enemy of Gator Bob’s at this point. Not a day has gone by yet where Gator Rick hasn’t asked GB if he could take his canoe out into the lagoon and get the alligator himself. You don’t know unless you ask. He never wants to make it seem like he’s begging to get on the canoe either, even though he’s desperate at this point, so he tries being super nonchalant every time. It comes off in the same tone as a high school kid seeing a girl picking up her papers from the hallway floor and asking, “hey need a hand with that?” Each time is funnier than the last. By day 5 it started becoming like a little kid asking their mom if they could have a sleepover without her even giving the “we’ll see.”
They’ve now cautioned off the whole area around Gator Bob’s truck, keeping anyone from getting within 50 ft of his work, and I’m positive it had at least 80% to do with Gator Rick alone. Classic kid in class who gets your field trip taken away move. You can say what you want about Gator Rick, but he’s one of few board members who may actually barehand an alligator without hesitation. At the end of the day you need to keep a guy like that around the lagoon. 3 to 1 odds for my co-captain.
2. Gator Frank
Per NBC:
As part of a new strategy to catch an alligator that’s been on the lam in the Humboldt Park lagoon for several days, the city of Chicago is instituting new closures around the water to bring the reptilian saga to an end. According to a press release issued by Chicago Animal Care and Control, the eastern half of the Humboldt Park lagoon will be closed to the public beginning on Sunday night, and will remain closed until the alligator is captured.
The new strategy comes as the CACC hired Frank Robb, an alligator expert who owns Crocodilian Specialist Services in Florida. Robb was recommended by local experts in Florida, and arrived in Chicago on Sunday for an examination of the area surrounding the lagoon.
Having a rival hunter come from the homeland is a bummer for us newer gator hunters. Now it’s like having to play a pick-up game with a college athlete. Poor Gator Rick’s still gonna be poking lily pads with his stick when Gator Frank randomly emerges from the middle of the lagoon with a knife in his mouth. Never mind his credentials because everyone’s an expert until an alligator’s chewing their balls, but again, this guy’s most likely been running down alligators since before he knew people got paid to do it. This is like a fireman taking a call about a cat in a tree for him. This has to be the most publicized case he’s ever been on, and you know the gator’s safety is definitely not the main concern for a man like Gator Frank, so Chicago Animal Control has to be relentlessly warning him to treat it carefully for the masses. But you can’t take the Florida out of the man. Guarantee they’re only closing the park so Gator Frank can whip a grenade in the water and walk away not looking at the explosion. The spare alligator he brought to show to the media is probably getting its make-up as we speak. 2 to 1 odds for the new guy.
1. Gator Nick
So Gator Nick showed up for the first time on day 3 acting like he catches alligators with his eyes closed. While Eddie and I were talking to him, he couldn’t understand why we would be confused by how confident he was. Like he thought it was weird that we thought it was weird. Not only that, but he was disgusted by Gator Bob’s performance and the overall handling of the situation at the lagoon thus far. One of my favorite Gator Nick quotes is “there’s gonna be some changes around here.” He was like a new high school principal walking through the halls. This guy meant so much business that he didn’t even want to waste daylight doing Dog Walk. He told us after that when he catches the gator he doesn’t want credit or people knowing it was him. He’s just gonna be holding up a live alligator by its tail telling everyone he was just doing his job. I’d almost feel bad for the alligator if Gator Nick’s the one who ends up catching him. There’s no way he’s not at least getting a new belt out of it. If I were writing this blog 5 days ago, Gator Nick would be at 1:1 odds easily. I mean the guy brought a bottle of champagne to the park with him to celebrate after he caught it. It was such a cocky move that I went home and started writing a blog about how the alligator finally got captured. I’m giving Nick 2 to 1 odds because evidently his chicken shish kabob hasn’t done the trick yet, but the determination is still there. Wouldn’t put it passed this guy to show up with a snorkel tomorrow.
It’s anyone’s gator at this point. Stay tuned with Barstool Chicago the rest of the week to find out who ends up slaying the dragon.