We’re just getting back from the Hyatt in beautiful downtown St. Louis, where convenience stores close at 7 PM, the streets are so empty of people that you feel like you’re on an abandoned movie set with some pretty convincing prop buildings, and folks warn you not to go on the street after 9 PM on the Lord’s Day because you might be shot. Honestly I kinda liked St. Louis, but all those things are also true so maybe I’m just a weirdo.
All that is really neither here nor there, however. What I really want to talk to you about is the hotel Wake Up Call and how if you don’t use them then you’re a buffoon. I really don’t know where the common opinion is going to fall on this one, if people still use it or not, but Frankie was downright stunned when I casually mentioned that I had to stop by the front desk to set my wake up call. “Why don’t you just set your alarm,” he pondered aloud. Um, I don’t know Frankie, why don’t I just make my own bed? Why don’t I bring my own towels or lotion to masturbate with? Because these are all goods and services that the hotel provides.
I’m a massive “take advantage of even the slightest amenities” guy. Cucumber water in the lobby? Fucking love veggie infused liquids. Call an Uber? No thank you, there’s a cab stand outside. Bellhop! Google restaurant recommendations? A concierge is right downstairs, I’ll speak with an expert instead of a Yelp review, thank you very much. The wake up call is no different, why would I set my alarm when someone else can call and rouse me from my slumber? Love starting the day with a, “Good morning, sir! This is your 5:30 wake up call! Will you be requiring your second at 5:40?” to which I grunt back and he calls again at 5:40 just because he was confused and he’s a professional. Plus I’m a deep sleeper and a hotel phone is particularly jarring too, you don’t gently wake from sleep, you pop out of bed like you fell asleep in a hotel but woke up in a World War II air raid. Don’t need coffee when you think you’re in the midst of battle. Plus your body gets used to hearing your alarm so why not shake it up when you can, it becomes your mother’s voice gently waking you up, “It’s time for school hunnie.” The ring of hotel phones are your father storming in, screaming, “IF YOU MAKE ME LATE FOR WORK AGAIN TODAY, I SWEAR TO GOD….”
While writing this I asked KFC and Kmarko and they both also said that they’re phone alarm guys, and I gotta tell you, everyone is really missing out. Not using the hotel wake up call is just a ridiculous as not taking the free waters or