Study Reveals Why People Masturbate: Let's Breakdown The Report
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First of all, I disagree with these findings. I operate under the assumption that everyone jerks off. Well, I dont because it’s a sin but everyone else does. To me, it doesn’t matter if you wanna treat your little noodle-lookin clit like a DJ and spin it until it’s rawer than hamburger meat or if you wanna take a banana peel and throw that bad boy in the microwave for 12 seconds and stroke it up and down,,,, at a medium pace. It’s your pussy. It’s your dick. Treat it however you want. (Ladies, avoid putting sugary stuff in there. Again, still yours. Just some health advice)
Now, let’s dive into this report a little bit to see why people are jerkin off!
1. To satisfy sexual urges
Duh. If you’re feeling horny and there’s no one home to help release the poisonous semen from deep inside your testicles, you must pry the gravy of life from your own loins and spread it on your own biscuit. (rag or old shirt) Urges are urges and sometimes it’s nice to just treat yourself gently while pressing your thumb against your anal wall.
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2. To achieve sexual pleasure.
Yeah no shit. People wack it or rub it because it feels good.
3. To relax or relieve stress
This is a really nice one. Sometimes you can even pour like hot wax on your chest or something. It’s such a wonderful surprise to just exhale all the worries of the day out through the tiny hole at the top of your penis head.
4. Because I’m bored
Honestly, this might be the most common. Very underreported masturbation finding here. I believe this should be the top response. Nothing good on the ole boob tube? Watch some boobs on the tube. Simple. That’s horny math. Call it
Calculitoris.
5. To feel more comfortable with my body
I think this one has to be from the ladies. Most of the fellas don’t feel more comfortable after reaching down and feeling a wild field of dark amber pubic hair. If anything, you’d feel less comfortable. Now, if you gotta learn how to move your pelvic floor, I can see that working for our female friends. Work it, you bad bitch. It’s 2019 and we are having a sexual awakening by eating ass and other stuff too.
6. To help me sleep
Two schools of thought here. The endorphins get released but also you can become very hot. I hate sleeping in a pool of my own sweat while my hands smell like old shrimp shells.
7. To improve my sexual performance
Fellas, we edgin ourselves? Interesting. Interesting indeed.
8. Because my partner wont have sex with me
Lol couldnt be me. WHAT A LOSER
9. Because I can’t find a partner
Well well well, I spoke too soon. Unless you’re a Hot Pie lookin boy, go out there and find some strange! There are so many apps… you gotta be able to find someone to let you stick it in them or stick it in you or both! Chin up, Charlies. You’ll get there.
Anyways, I’m bored.
