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I Hate This Asshole's Wedding Proposal So Much

Screen Shot 2019-02-21 at 9.38.37 AMCHICAGO - A Chicago man went all out on a massive message to his girlfriend working on the 37th floor of a skyscraper: “MARRY ME.”   The couple has been together for nine years. They met at a party for a mutual friend.

“I had been by Maggie Daley Park a number of times just getting the feel of where I could do it, how big it would have to be, because she works on the 37th floor so I knew it had to be big to be seen,” the man said.

The letters were 45 feet tall and 31 feet wide, and the whole message took six hours to make. Despite the highly-trafficked area and the sheer size of the text, the bride-to-be said she was completely surprised.

Alright no surprise here but I absolutely fucking hate this guy’s guts. 6 hours and approximately 1,395 square feet of public space taken up by this asshole trying to act like his relationship is any different than anyone else’s. You want some lovely inspiration? Go stand down by the part of the city where Union Station and Ogilvie Train Station meet. Where literally tens of thousands of middle aged guys are coming and going each day. Khaki pants. Blue button up shirts. Northface jackets they got for Christmas. Same Tumi bag they bought themselves after their first raise. And of course, plastered on each and every face is the look of a man who is on a recess break from a medium security federal penitentiary.

Screen Shot 2019-02-21 at 10.00.49 AMOne taste of that depression and you’d understand why orchestrating such a high profile, high intensity proposal is a horrible fucking idea. For starters, you have now set the bar at an unremarkable level for the rest of wedding planning. That always means shit like table settings, flowers, bridesmaid dresses, the list literally will not end you wait and fucking see. Next, your life is headed towards a downwards spiral and finally you’re obviously a massive loser. You NEVER come out guns blazing. Would be like jumping on the treadmill at 6.9 when you’re good for maybe 5.2.

Anyways, I figure this asshole could use some more advice. I got hitched a couple months ago and it was fine. Here’s some other very basic takeaways

1. Answering The Same Questions Every Single Day – what’s The Date? inside? oh, outside. nice. how many people? that’s a good number. best man? honeymoon? how long? have you been to Thailand? Did you put an instant pot on the registry?

2. Power Ranking Your Friends – Good luck with the guest list.  I don’t have advice here. Just get ready to say some mean shit about people.

3. Meeting People You Don’t Know – You will not believe how many friends your parents actually have. Who knew?

4. Some people are cheap - duh.

5. Some people are not – they get nicer thank you cards