The Worst of the Internet: Fitness Comedy

I’m going to try to condense this into a reasonable amount of words because, like mostly everything in my pathetically diverse writing portfolio, the topic doesn’t deserve anything more than a simple 140-280 character tweet. But then again…

REO Speedwagon doesn’t deserve this. (*checks their Wikipedia page because one of them has to be dead by now*) Lead guitarist Gary Richrath didn’t die for this. Russell and Clara Stover didn’t die for this either. And I’m confident that no chickens deserved to get slaughtered just to end up as one of the plain breasts in this video.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all seen it at least a few times by now. Gym Halpert and Pam Burpee stole the spotlight on Valentine’s Day with this corn-infused fecal matter that went triple platinum on Twitter for being universally despised. I know everyone probably thinks I’m going to mercilessly trash this couple, and that’s because I am, but I honestly didn’t hate their performance nearly as much as others. I mean I definitely did, but when it comes to the field of comedy, fitness gurus are about as seasoned as the meals in their Tupperware, so you have to expect any sketches they make to be pretty fucking bad. I really wanted to give the two lovebirds the benefit of the doubt and brush this off as a harmless, half-hearted attempt at being silly between CrossFit sessions. So I decided to look them up and learn more about them.

Scott and Demi here, the Cheech and Chong of the Calisthenics Community, are actually no strangers to dipping their calloused toes into the comedy waters. Both of them, tragically, are active TikTokkers who have been making content like the video above for some time now. But perhaps the most notable thing about them is their striking age difference.

This girl is freshly fucking 18. This guy is old enough to run for president of the United States and this girl is old enough to run for president of the junior class. This guy is the same age as Avril Lavigne, and this girl wasn’t even old enough to coo or babble when Sk8er Boi dropped.

He was a grown man

She was a fetus

Can I make it any more obvious? 

Even one of my anonymous friends who can recite the first 151 Girls Do Porn participants like a Pokemon expert told me he got “creepy vibes” from them. But enough speculation. Besides, there’s no evidence that they’re anything more than a platonic comedic duo, except for maybe the fact that she comments variations of “beast” on all of his Instagram posts.

Call Her Beast, Scott.

To avoid picking on a literal high school girl, I’ll focus my attention on her tenured health teacher and his antics instead.

Nevermind, I’m done here. I refuse to waste my time on commentary, and “seriously fuck this guy” adequately sums everything up. All I’ll say is that Neil Patrick Fitness needs his social media accounts deactivated before this escalates into something worse. Something even worse than this:

And as scary as these videos are, the comments on them are somehow even scarier.

This is fucking terrifying. I really don’t want to overuse the robot allegations, but these fitness accounts have to be programmed bots, right? Thinking those videos are funny and communicating strictly in emojis like that cannot be human behavior, right? I refuse to believe it.

And if that wasn’t enough, I just found out that there’s a subset of millennial drinkers who use the term “drunch” to refer to “drunken brunch,” so now I have to pledge allegiance to my hatred for yet another group of people.