I'm Going On An Alien and Bigfoot Safari With Jose Canseco

I have a theory about Jose Canseco that a lot of people reserve for people like the Pope, Tim Tebow, Mother Teresa, Vienna Beef, and Mike Ditka… that they’re people hand chosen by god to live amongst us as deified humans, teaching us the way of god by performing miracles and other fake, non-existent shit like that.

Now aside from Canseco, all of these people have some cookie cutter, goody two shoes way of being holy figures walking amongst us.  Canseco though…. he goes against the book.  He does holy things HIS way, not the way some fictional dude in the sky says he should do them.  He’s unconventional in his methods, sure, but at least he doesn’t act like he’s someone he’s not like that phony LOSER Tim Tebow.

Canseco is who he is.  He’s as simple, yet as sophisticated as that.

So knowing that he’s a holy vehicle posing as a human to spread god’s word even though god doesn’t exist, I knew I HAD to take part in this alien and big foot excursion with him.

So I texted the number:

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Never thought I’d get a response whatsoever, but once I did, my wheels REALLY started spinning in my limited brain.  Then I realized “ah fuck $5000 is kinda a lot of money to be alone in a camper with some roided out and chemically imbalanced blacklisted ex MLB player” but then I realized it’s really not.  There are plenty of ways to raise the money for me and Jose Canseco’s alien and big foot hunt.  Here’s how:

Charge our expense account:

When we went full time we got an expense account.  Not really sure why but it’s awesome to say we have one I guess.  Never had one for any other job I had.  After we set it up, we told Erika and Dente that we were expensing a Macaw Parrot, a Stalker radar gun to measure our arm strength from time to time to settle arguments and show off who’s the most manly, a Purina water filter for our office, and a squat rack for leg days.

We thought we’d get shot down by them and told to pound sand, but they both said, “if it’s for content then do it.”  We were mildly surprised.  If anyone has a lead on a good parrot guy let me know.  The first thing I’m teaching it to say is, “RAAAAAARRRR!  Carrabis throws 68!  Carrabis throws 68!  RRRAAARRRRRRR!!!”

So yes, now that they said yes to a parrot and other shit like that I think they’d let me drop $5,000 on a trip to hunt big foot with Jose Canseco.  Content, content and more content.  They could even put it on Barstool Gold and turn it into an investment.  The financial potential is endless for Dente, Erika and the Chernin Group.

I’d title the video “WSD and Jose Canseco Pound a Bunch of Psychadelics and Prove Aliens and Big Foot Exist”

Sell my Car:

Back at my old job, I’d uber to/from work every day.  It was about $20 a day because Uber pools are for poor people and I have an unfettered reputation to uphold of being a non-poor.  After I crunched some numbers I realized I could probably just buy my own car and probably break even by driving myself.  So I bought a 2016 Nissan Altima:

Big pimpin’ spendin’ cheese amirite?  Anyways the car was like $16K and now that I work legit two blocks from home, I haven’t touched it more than a time or two since the turn of the new year.  I’ve had the car for about 10 months, and figure I could flip it right now for at least $20,000 for it.  I’ve been told Nissan Altimas appreciate in value like crazy.  Sell my car, pay for my alien and big foot hunt with Jose Canseco, pocket the rest aka blow it on gambling.

Donate Plasma:

Little life hack for all you broke as a joke college kids out there – there are real, live people who pay for something in your blood called “plasma”.  No idea what it is or why it has a bounty on it, but apparently it’s worth its weight in gold because it helps infertile women have kids or some shit.  Takes an hour or so and you walk out of the donation center with cold hard cash.  Like we’re talking $50+ each time you go.  This is how I would finance my alcoholism in college, and it’s also my “worst case scenario” finance plan for the alien and big foot excursion with Jose Canseco.

I don’t want to have to go this route, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.  Assuming Jose and I do actually find a bigfoot or Alien, we’d then monetize our adventure and I’d bolt on Barstool anyways, so it’d be an investment in the end.  Just turn my plasma into millions of dollars in Big Foot footage.  Wheels = spinning.

If anyone else has any get rich quick schemes to help me fund this trip LMK.  You can shoot me an email or find me on Twitter.  And because I forgot to edit my phone number out of a blog yesterday, some of you can even call me.