I'd Give Justin Bieber And His Random Wife Four Months, Tops

Vogue- The couple have made no bones about the fact that marriage has been hard so far. “Fighting is good,” Bieber told Vogue in the March 2019 issue. “Doesn’t the Bible talk about righteous anger? We don’t want to lose each other. We don’t want to say the wrong thing, and so we’ve been struggling with not expressing our emotions, which has been driving me absolutely crazy because I just need to express myself, and it’s been really difficult to get her to say what she feels.” Baldwin, who at first struggled with the number of people on social media rooting for them to fail, added: “I prayed to feel peace about the decision… I love him very much. I have loved him for a long time.”


This isn’t really my lane, but I saw this headline and started laughing. Speaking in general terms here, but are we fucking kidding ourselves? Do people actually believe that Justin Bieber and Stephen Baldwin’s daughter will stay married?

“Marriage is hard” offered the newlywed children who haven’t been married a year.

“Fighting is good,” said the biggest pop star of his generation, who has a tendency to run people over in his Ferrari.

“I have loved him for a long time,” said the 22-year-old daughter of a somewhat famous younger brother.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re an attractive couple, if you’re into that sort of thing. Personally, I hate neck tattoos so I’ll pass on the baby photos (if they get that far).

You know what marriages work out? Marriages between normal, boring people. Your parents, for example. Just a couple simple people who go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV, and occasionally go on a cruise. Your dad never had to wade through a throng of screaming, soaking groupies that blocked the path from the office to his GMC Yukon. Your mom was never late picking you up from school because she was down in the Bahamas shooting a fucking ad campaign for the Fyre festival. And as a result… HALF of them are still married. Half of them found enough comfort in that monotony to realize it wasn’t worth filing divorce papers.

Maybe we’re all on the same page here. I used to think Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston would make it. That was the last straw, when they folded. They seemed above the nonsense somehow. But nope. Celebrities can’t stay married. They don’t live real lives. And when they try to do real-life shit, like marriage, they can’t handle it because it sucks.

Maybe you’re thinking “but Tom Brady and Gisele have it figured out!” Yeah, because they got married when they were tired of the nonsense. He was in his thirties, she was in her late twenties, and they’d both grown tired of losing sleep with the Leo Decaprios and Bridget Moynihans of the world. It was time for him to settle down with, uhm, the safe, grounded Brazilian supermodel. And it was time for her to throw her lot in with the quiet, humble, greatest football player in history boy-next-door.

Hailey Baldwin is 22. Justin Bieber is 24. The only people who make it when they’re married that young are kids in Pakistan or India whose parents arranged their marriage. And those kids get married at like 15. THEY can say marriage is hard at 24, because they’ve been at it for almost a decade.

Oh well. Can’t wait for the press release:

Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin have filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences” (Bieber couldn’t stop banging Czech hookers). Representatives from both parties claim they are “still friends” (no punches were thrown). Baldwin plans to take up scuba diving with all her newfound freedom; Bieber is looking into building a shelter for wounded giraffes.