The Pats won their 6th Super Bowl. Dave Portnoy not only won his $190,000 bet, he also probably sold $2,000,000 in merch. What’s more than the money? The value of cementing his status as the greatest blogger of all time with his Keyser Soze routine. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he got arrested at the Super Bowl. Dave Portnoy, the fan, won. Dave Portnoy, the business, won. Dave Portnoy, the man-child won. And Dave Portnoy, the Devil won. To say everything came up pageviews would be a WILD understatement. At this point I believe the “Dave sold his so to the Devil” theory is wrong and that Dave has just been Lucifer himself all along.
But you know what? That’s ok. That’s all ok. None of that really matters. You know why? Because at the end of the day we’re all gonna die. Doesn’t matter when you’re fucking dead. Doesn’t matter who won the super bowl or how much money Dave has. Doesn’t matter who got the headlines or who has bragging rights. Eventually we’re all gonna be fucking dead people. Eventually the sun explodes or the planet starts rejecting us. Eventually aliens show up or people turn to zombies. Eventually God shows up and blows his trumpet and we’re all fucking dunzo. Everyone is a broke loser in hell. So it doesn’t matter. Except for me, of course. Because as I just mentioned above, Hell is run by Dave Portnoy so I’ll spend eternity with Dave puffing monster hits in my face watching his teams win on repeat. But for Andrew Whitworth and the rest of the regular people out there, don’t fret this 6th championship. Just take solace in the fact that soon enough you’ll die and escape the New England reign of terror. Just live a holy enough life to avoid the Underworld and when you’re dead you’ll never see Brady, Belichick or Portnoy ever again. As for those 3…I’ll see you motherfuckers in hell.