Ben Simmons' Jump Shot Makes Me Violently Angry

I feel like I always have to preface this because I’m a Celtics fan and dumb dumb bird brains out there perceive this to be hate. It’s not. Ben Simmons is an exceptional talent. I believe he is one of the 10 best players in basketball. His ability to run the point at his size, handle and pass with both hands is nearly unparalleled for someone his age. He is going to be a problem in this League for a very long time. Even with this jackass jump shot that very clearly should be shot with his right hand. I don’t mean right as correct. Well, I do. Goddammit do you see how much this fucks with my already stupid brain? I don’t even know when this game took place. I asked resident Philadelphia 76ers fanatic Adam Ferrone when this atrocity took place and he had no idea either. I was minding my business when someone tagged me in this Instagram post, instantly causing my stomach to projectile vomit all over the office. I mean look at this shit.


This is the form of a right handed shooter. His shoulders are squaring perfectly to the rim as he twirls through the air and it isn’t until the very last second that he decides to shotput the ball in the general vicinity of the rim with his left hand. As a Celtics fan I should be thrilled that he is quite literally stunting the growth of his individual career as well as our division rival 76ers as a team. But I take no joy in this whatsoever. I appreciate greatness and I love to see potential fulfilled. It’s why I take so much joy in the Warriors routinely drubbing the rest of the League. It’s why I was upset when Wisconsin upset Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament. Ben Simmons is so goddamn good without a jumpshot I can’t imagine what he would look like with a consistent one. I shouldn’t be this angry on a Future album release day over a harmless made jumpshot that took place sometime in the recent past but here we are, blood boiling, diaper filled, and certifiably mad online.