Hello, Stoolie Nation. I would like to announce that on Super Bowl Weekend, I will be fighting in RNR7. No, It won’t be a rematch vs. Smitty. Smitty had surgery and can’t fuck with that…yet. Plus, we are pretty good friends and it’s more fun to fight someone you don’t know or like, so I have turned my attention to a Twitter troll…
Here is the story:
Generally speaking, I’m a positive guy. I’m not here to argue with anyone I’m not sleeping with. Kind of a rule of thumb. I enjoy some clap back style roasting and we keep it moving.
A couple months back I got into a nice tweet beef. Long story short, some failed hack comic out of Pittsburgh, ( all good cities with a comedy scene have one solid hack comic) took his bitter Twitter fingers and started talking shit about my friend and co-worker Austin Taylor (who suffers from BDS). It really bugged me. Austin won Barstool Idol fair and square. He pumps out quality content, gets great viewership numbers, and works hard.
Then I started doing a bit of research on this hack. I uncovered exactly what I thought.
What we have here is a classic local comic hack situation. Over the years in the stand-up world, you run into these dudes. They never write real material. They are mad and bitter over opportunities other comics receive from working hard on their craft.
These local hacks love doing corny local jokes. “The scariest part of fright night is driving through Duquesne to get there.”
(Lets mic drop to waist as you bask in the glory of such a well-written joke directed at the current image of the local area college.)
Every city in the US that has a local comedy scene, as well as one of these guys. They talk shit about the hungry comics who take the leap and move to L.A or New York to pursue their dreams. Then if that comic ends up coming back home, they rub it in.
A true local hack will never possess the sack it takes to say fuck it, pack up their belongings and head to a larger city to chase a dream and work on something they believe in. A high percentage of these hacks only do stand up to try and meet women. Most don’t even have 10 creative minutes written. Even after years of “performing” they do gimmick shit in the comedy arena, kind of like famed wrestling techniques – choke slamming women on an improv stage, jumping off ladders at an open mic, etc. They will do anything to hide the fact that they have no real material and just a few mins of hack jokes and local references. These clowns love to see their name in lights.
Sometimes, a hack will go out of town on a big-time TV show audition which 99% of the time they will not get. Next, they start bashing the show and the audition process all cause they didn’t make it. It’s never their fault shit doesn’t go their way. Once the dust settles from the rejection, they slither back into their little local safe place and try to pretend they are something more in town then they are and stay content. They are safe in their hack existence until they get bored and start lashing out at others on the Internet who got an opportunity they feel they should have received.
The hack I speak of, and I will only say his name once, is Matt Light. Why only once? I just feel like a fly by night bitch made punk like this, someone who shows such little respect for those who actually pump out solid content and work on their craft doesn’t deserve the respect of their name being said. I will refer to this bitter clown as #HackDempsey (as well as plenty of other variations where #Hack will play).
I want to be clear on what I’m saying for any aspiring comedian/comedian who might be reading this. Being a local comic does not make you a local hack. We are all local comics til one day we aren’t. All local comics who regularly perform in their city know who the local hack is.
This event presents a lot of opportunity for me. I get to fight 4 elements I truly dislike at RNR7. Which makes it an extremely satisfying situation all around for me.
I get to fight a true hack comic.
I get to fight against bullying.
I get to fight an online troll.
I get to fight for those who suffer from BDS.
Do I think I can beat up every online troll? Of course not. I’m sure some trolls could fuck me up. Thats not the point. The point is fighting one is as satisfying as fighting them all.
In the end, win or lose, I win. Fighting comes with a badge of honor. Fighting for a good cause feels good. I used to fight kids all the time who fucked with my chubby little brother growing up. Sometimes people need to be put in their place. Luckily this time I get to do it with a crowd of over 100k watching.
Fighting is a huge mental fuck. I mean this isn’t a 15 minute MMA war versus a trained warrior, but for a 40-year-old with a bad knee who doesn’t feel a day over 30, it’s as close as it gets.