My New Goal In Life Is To Become A Rollerblade Cop
I don’t know how I went my entire 26 years of existence without ever knowing that rollerblade cops were a thing. But now that I know there is a career there to be made out of shredding around on some blades and catching bad guys? Count me all the way in. I’ve been rollerblading around and catching bad guys just as a casual hobby in my spare time. But to get paid salary for doing it? Heck yes.
I’ve said this before in at least one or seven previous blogs. We need to come to a point here as a society in which we no longer shame people for using rollerblades as a practical mode of transportation. There are so many benefits to rollerblading that you just don’t get with other things. Obviously there’s a huge advantage to rollerblading against driving a car because you don’t have to pay for gas and you don’t need to find parking, etc. etc. The advantage to rollerblading over taking an Uber somewhere is that you don’t have to ask the driver “so how long have you been driving with Uber” every time you get in the car and also it’s cheaper. The advantage to rollerblading over riding a bike is that you don’t need to find a place to lock up your bike and you also don’t have to get clumped in with all those cycling hardos who wear full blown Tour de France gear for their 5 mile ride every Sunday morning. The advantage to rollerblading over walking is pretty evident. So yeah, rollerblading is fucking kick ass and I hate that it’s ridiculed and looked down upon in today’s society. You want to talk about the downfalls to toxic masculinity? Look no further than to the persecution of the soul skater.
And then being able to rollerblade with a gun would be pretty cool, too. So a rollerblade cop just seems like the best of every world and now it is my duty in life to introduce to Shred Patrol to the Philadelphia Police Department and become the new sheriff in town. I can tell you this right now–there won’t be a single criminal who will get away.