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MMA Fighter Tears Nutsack In Half In A Power-Drilling Accident

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. You see, a lot of the time, people ask me, they say, “Robbie, why are you such a little bitch? I’ve never seen a more feminine cuck! Beta city!”, and that may be true, but if the alternative is being a “man’s man”, working with power tools that have the capability to rip my fucking nutsack in fucking half, I’m fine with staying just the way I am…far away from them.

I don’t understand HOW Bryce Mitchell was so funny and (seemingly) calm in these tweets, but it had to be drugs, right? I mean, I’d hope they drug you up when you show up to the hospital with a torn nutsack. I’d slip the nurse as much money as I had on me and ask her to crank up the IV drip to 11 and fuck me up to the point of overdose, I think. There’s no way death is worse than a torn nutsack. Especially if said torn nutsack was torn in your favorite underwear.

Anyway, fair play to him I guess, for using this horrible circumstance as an opportunity to make a name for himself in the MMA community whether or not that was his intention. Everybody loves a guy who can roll with the punches, and Bryce Mitchell took that to another level last night. Prayers to him and his ballsack.

P.S. I actually had a powerdrilling accident once. I used to build the sets for my high school’s plays with my woodshop teacher because we got along really well (both massive Star Wars fans) and I was pretty decent with tools, but one day this kid asked if he could give us a hand to learn how to do a couple things, and I said sure. First up: the powerdrill. I figured it was an easy, safe one to start with. All you have to do is pull a trigger and push, right? I held the screw in place for him, said make sure that drill never leaves the head of this screw, and maybe two seconds later he had taken it completely off the head of the screw and drilled directly into my fingernail. It hurt like a motherfucker, and bled even worse, just squirting blood EVERYWHERE, and the kid cried, which made things worse. Thankfully he didn’t drill into my nutsack, though!