PhillyMag – On Monday morning at 10:30 a.m, 34-year-old Vincent Wade of Pennsauken, New Jersey, seemed to be feeling pretty good. According to police, Wade crashed his car into the Crown Fried Chicken at 5th and Lehigh in North Philadelphia and then disrobed. He was charged with a DUI. Why he wasn’t charged with indecent exposure or public lewdness is anyone’s guess. Though the video isn’t 100% clear as to the self-pleasuring activity, the man who shot the video tells me, “Oh, he was most definitely making himself feel happy.” The incident took place 400 feet from an elementary school.
Still easily the most reasonable man found anywhere North of Girard Ave.
Seems like the logical response to an obvious DUI, especially if you’re not going to be charged with dropping your pants just over a football field away from children anyways. Fuck it. Already had a little liquor and now in prime position to grab some fried chicken? Might as well make a day of it and start Punching Dr. Phil at the scene of your accident. Whatever makes you feel happy. Man should’ve crashed into a Shenanigan’s because that’s the greatest public viewing of The Goat since Waiting.