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Emergency Press Conference - Baldgate

So some Stoolie took a video of me walking to work today and my bald spot wasn’t looking great to say the least.

Real low point for my self esteem. Naturally he sent the video to Big Cat, KFC etc who are having a ball with it. (Hey who cares that I’m out there creating content like a motherfucker and putting food on the table right?) Nope let’s make fun of Dave who is literally bleeding for the company. Stoolies going crazy.


Anyway people who have been paying close attention know that I can’t wrap my brain around my bald spot. I know I need to get hair transplants. I know I do. I went to Dr. Lenoard like 2 years ago and I got laughed out of the building. They told me I had too much hair. That I wasn’t ready for it. There were bald people in the lobby giving me the stink eye. Like what is this motherfucker doing here? Look at that surfer hair! I’d kill for that hair in the front!” After getting laughed out of the building I kind of put getting hair transplants on the backburner as bigger issues took over like me getting rid of my mercury poisoning.

The crazy thing is I still have the best front hair in the office. It’s glorious. Covering it up would be a crime against humanity. And I will go to my grave saying the back isn’t as bad as it always appears on camera, but I also can’t deny I’m rattled. I mean this video is the talk of the god damn internet. Sure I could play it off like “fans don’t boo nobodies”, but it’s got my brain in a pretzel. How can hair be so great and so bad at once? Party in the front, homeless shelter in the back. I think getting hair transplant is now back to a priority. Nobody wants to be the bald asshole. Especially not rich guys with surfer hair.

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