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I Am A Gamer

As a regular sex participant, I haven't played a video game since 7th grade. It was Sim Day & Night on ebaumsworld.com, and only in hopes to see a 200x200 jpeg of a naked woman.

When asked this week to play Mario Maker for Stool Gametime, I responded, lyingly, with "Yes, that sounds fun." 

As I sat down and held the controller, I knew I was about to embarrass myself in the worst way possible. Other coworkers were vocally confident in their gaming abilities. Brandon Walker even compared himself to "PewDiePie on a bridge in PUBG." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I knew I couldn't compare.

I hit start and began to play.

That's when disaster struck. The worst possible outcome. I was really fucking good. Good enough to be the best in the office. Good enough to be forced to blog about the experience. I was better than the Hooliganz. The fucking Hooliganz.  Hell, even former members of that group were build different, with the ability to nearly sell DOUBLE DIGIT tee shirts. 

The second I saw my name on the top of the leaderboard I knew I was ruined. A part of me changed. Peach meant more to me than just a fruit that could make Timothee Chalamet blow his load. Skyrim became more than just Mile High Club analingus. Dualshock was more than just the nodes applied to my temples at summer camp. I became a gamer.

Watch me ruin my life, and my much cooler coworkers be bad at video game in this video.

Gametime

25 videos

1
The 'Barstool Sports Vs. Geography' Rivalry Continues With City Guesser

The 'Barstool Sports Vs. Geography' Rivalry Continues With City Guesser

2
Are Barstool Sports Bloggers Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Are Barstool Sports Bloggers Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

3
Hank Lockwood Is The Greatest Offensive Coordinator In Madden History

Hank Lockwood Is The Greatest Offensive Coordinator In Madden History

4
Competitive Video Games Are Just As Electric As Traditional Sports

Competitive Video Games Are Just As Electric As Traditional Sports

5
Meta Man: Twitch Streamer iitzTimmy Streamed For 54+ Hours STRAIGHT And Accomplished One Of The Biggest Gaming Feats In History

Meta Man: Twitch Streamer iitzTimmy Streamed For 54+ Hours STRAIGHT And Accomplished One O...

6

Terrible News: Trent And I Are Being Sued For Malpractice

7
Which Barstool Employee Would You Choose To Perform Surgery On You, If Your Life Depended On It?

Which Barstool Employee Would You Choose To Perform Surgery On You, If Your Life Depended ...

8
Barstool vs the Monaco Grand Prix Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect

Barstool vs the Monaco Grand Prix Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect

9
THE FLEMING CURSE IS FINALLY BROKEN

THE FLEMING CURSE IS FINALLY BROKEN

10

A Friendly Game Of Battle Ship Ends With A Meltdown

11
This Reversal By Nick Turani Is The Most Impressive Move I've Ever Seen

This Reversal By Nick Turani Is The Most Impressive Move I've Ever Seen

12

Barstool Classic - Mario Golf Super Rush Edition

13
Barstool Sports Employees Get Their Inner Dad On And See Who Can Mow The Best Lawn

Barstool Sports Employees Get Their Inner Dad On And See Who Can Mow The Best Lawn

14
The Barstool Sports Wii Golf Open Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect

The Barstool Sports Wii Golf Open Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect

15

Rough n Rowdy, But Inside Barstool HQ

16
If You Buy The Ferry In The Oregon Trail, You Are An All-Time Bitch

If You Buy The Ferry In The Oregon Trail, You Are An All-Time Bitch

17

I Assembled The Barstool Purple Cobras To Wreak Havoc On All Average Joe's

18

I Bet You Didn't Know That This Was The Plural Of Pikachu

19
If You Pick Kirby In Super Smash Then You're A Punk Ass Bitch

If You Pick Kirby In Super Smash Then You're A Punk Ass Bitch

20
WhiteSoxDave Has No Idea Where The Pyramids Of Giza Are

WhiteSoxDave Has No Idea Where The Pyramids Of Giza Are

21

Barstool Sports Personalities Duke It Out In Mortal Kombat

22
It’s Great To See Nate And Smitty Depending On Each Other To Survive

It’s Great To See Nate And Smitty Depending On Each Other To Survive

23

I Want To Punch Out Tommy Smokes

24
Watching Big Cat & Frank The Tank Slime It Up Makes My Heart Flutter

Watching Big Cat & Frank The Tank Slime It Up Makes My Heart Flutter

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I Am A Gamer