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I Am A Gamer

As a regular sex participant, I haven't played a video game since 7th grade. It was Sim Day & Night on ebaumsworld.com, and only in hopes to see a 200x200 jpeg of a naked woman.

When asked this week to play Mario Maker for Stool Gametime, I responded, lyingly, with "Yes, that sounds fun." 

As I sat down and held the controller, I knew I was about to embarrass myself in the worst way possible. Other coworkers were vocally confident in their gaming abilities. Brandon Walker even compared himself to "PewDiePie on a bridge in PUBG." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I knew I couldn't compare.

I hit start and began to play.

That's when disaster struck. The worst possible outcome. I was really fucking good. Good enough to be the best in the office. Good enough to be forced to blog about the experience. I was better than the Hooliganz. The fucking Hooliganz.  Hell, even former members of that group were build different, with the ability to nearly sell DOUBLE DIGIT tee shirts. 

The second I saw my name on the top of the leaderboard I knew I was ruined. A part of me changed. Peach meant more to me than just a fruit that could make Timothee Chalamet blow his load. Skyrim became more than just Mile High Club analingus. Dualshock was more than just the nodes applied to my temples at summer camp. I became a gamer.

Watch me ruin my life, and my much cooler coworkers be bad at video game in this video.

Gametime

25 videos

1
Interview With Lando Norris: "American F1 Fans Are Much More Crazy Than British F1 Fans"

Interview With Lando Norris: "American F1 Fans Are Much More Crazy Than British F1 Fans"

2
"DIARRHEA! DIARRHEA!" Expressions Perfectly Sums Up A Leaky Soccer Defense

"DIARRHEA! DIARRHEA!" Expressions Perfectly Sums Up A Leaky Soccer Defense

3
Tommy Smokes Almost Broke His Hand Using An Oculus

Tommy Smokes Almost Broke His Hand Using An Oculus

4
We Placed *FIRST* In The World Series Of Warzone

We Placed *FIRST* In The World Series Of Warzone

5
HALO IS BACK! Halo Infinite Multiplayer Completely Blew Away Everyone's Expectations

HALO IS BACK! Halo Infinite Multiplayer Completely Blew Away Everyone's Expectations

6
The School System Has Failed Us...Eddie Doesn't Know The Original 13 US Colonies

The School System Has Failed Us...Eddie Doesn't Know The Original 13 US Colonies

7
Barstool Gametime Will Be Playing In The $300,000 World Series Of Warzone Tournament On November 17th

Barstool Gametime Will Be Playing In The $300,000 World Series Of Warzone Tournament On No...

8
CoD: Vanguard Has Completely Exceeded My Expectations So Far

CoD: Vanguard Has Completely Exceeded My Expectations So Far

9
Hitting The Streets Of NYC To Ask For Thoughts On The NEW Call of Duty Vanguard

Hitting The Streets Of NYC To Ask For Thoughts On The NEW Call of Duty Vanguard

10
Kelly Keegs Finally Got The Halloween Scare She Was Looking For

Kelly Keegs Finally Got The Halloween Scare She Was Looking For

11
My Head Got Run Over And Somehow *I* Got Penalized????

My Head Got Run Over And Somehow *I* Got Penalized????

12
Vibbs Decided To Fight Tommy Smokes To Defend Kelly Keegs' Honor

Vibbs Decided To Fight Tommy Smokes To Defend Kelly Keegs' Honor

13
Watch: Talking Warzone Anti-Cheat With Minnesota Røkkr Professional Player Smixie

Watch: Talking Warzone Anti-Cheat With Minnesota Røkkr Professional Player Smixie

14
The Tottenham Spurs Are Wildly Better Than Arsenal

The Tottenham Spurs Are Wildly Better Than Arsenal

15
Marty And Big Ev Trying To Solve A Puzzle Is As Disastrous As You'd Expect

Marty And Big Ev Trying To Solve A Puzzle Is As Disastrous As You'd Expect

16
Coach Duggs Showed No Mercy Against Frank The Tank

Coach Duggs Showed No Mercy Against Frank The Tank

17
This Game Is Super Mario On LSD - Barstool Plays Cuphead

This Game Is Super Mario On LSD - Barstool Plays Cuphead

18
The 'Barstool Sports Vs. Geography' Rivalry Continues With City Guesser

The 'Barstool Sports Vs. Geography' Rivalry Continues With City Guesser

19
Are Barstool Sports Bloggers Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

Are Barstool Sports Bloggers Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

20
Hank Lockwood Is The Greatest Offensive Coordinator In Madden History

Hank Lockwood Is The Greatest Offensive Coordinator In Madden History

21
Competitive Video Games Are Just As Electric As Traditional Sports

Competitive Video Games Are Just As Electric As Traditional Sports

22
Meta Man: Twitch Streamer iitzTimmy Streamed For 54+ Hours STRAIGHT And Accomplished One Of The Biggest Gaming Feats In History

Meta Man: Twitch Streamer iitzTimmy Streamed For 54+ Hours STRAIGHT And Accomplished One O...

23

Terrible News: Trent And I Are Being Sued For Malpractice

24
Which Barstool Employee Would You Choose To Perform Surgery On You, If Your Life Depended On It?

Which Barstool Employee Would You Choose To Perform Surgery On You, If Your Life Depended ...

25
Barstool vs the Monaco Grand Prix Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect

Barstool vs the Monaco Grand Prix Was As Chaotic As You'd Expect