Did we really need to see the video? You bet your sweet ass we did. I honestly thought it was a joke at first. I mean, who tugs on Superman’s cape and doesn’t expect a roundhouse to the face? Is Clark Kent gonna have to smack a bitch? I genuinely had no idea what he was thinking stepping into the box. He clearly thought he was picking on a wounded duck. Let’s be real — who calls out a guy who has had his throwing shoulder surgically reconstructed three times? A man desperate for glory. That is who.
Until now, it was merely a rumor. Stuff of legend, lore, folktale. Even after what proved to be a futile attempt by several members of Team Portnoy to scrub the interweb of this video, the truth is out! This video sat in the bowels of Barstool for over two years and it is now here for your viewing pleasure.
Some may say, “He fouled some off.” To that, I say, I was simply following the rules. They were simple rules — just throw it down the middle. Standard request from a man seeking “competition”. Well, he got em’ down the middle, at about 63% effort level. I tried to put it on a tee. I really did. Looking back, it actually might not have hurt as much if I would’ve tried to throw it harder. But hey, I’m here for content right? Gotta let the Pres play too, right? Can’t have him down in the dumps. Low morale isn’t good for the brand. I mean, how good is a pizza review if the Pres can’t talk cuz he’s gargling my heater? So, I threw it in second gear and let the ponies cruise, and that still proved to be too much horsepower for the Pres.
The lesson here is simple — you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t piss into the wind, and you definitely do not send a boy up to the plate versus a man with a bionic arm. For it’s ONE, TWO, THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT AT THE OL’E BALLGAME!