Caller this week asks if he’ll ever be able to use a “get out of this argument for free” card that his wife got him for his birthday. Hey… stop laughing. Knock it off. I’m serious, stop. That’s what the question really was and if you continue this rambunctious behavior I will consider it a personal attack.
Has anything dumber ever been asked in the history or questions or words? Can you use a “get out of this argument for free” card?! Pal, what that card is, is a “I’m gonna do something that makes you so mad you stab me in the fucking throat” card. It’s a divorce card, but not your standard divorce with lawyers and whatnot, the kind of divorce where the marriage ends because you’re dead due to the sharpest nearby object being lodged in your throat divorce.
These “coupons” are the dumbest things ever anyway. Kevin says they’re great because you get them and she never uses them, and I get that, but if you are ever to receive one of these coupon books for a holiday then you’ve been hoodwinked. They may look flashy and say sexy things like “a free blowjob” or “we can try anal” but while they talk the talk, they don’t walk the walk. You can never use that card unless the wife was already in the mood anyway. She can’t be sick and tired from work and just want to go to bed then you roll over, bust out a coupon book, and say, “get the lube! I’ve got a coupon!” That’s assault, brotha. You think you can get a “free weekend with the guys” coupon and use that whenever you want? Hell no. A “get out of this argument free” card is the same only a million times more dangerous.
These coupons are just like a “hall pass.” They’re fantasies, figments of your imagination. More than anything they’re just dares from your significant other. “Here’s a card I got to pretend to be creative… I fucking DARE you to try and hold me to it one day” is what all of those coupon books should say.