Japanese Hologram Wives Are The Latest In Weird, Japanese Technology

Just when you think these lunatics can’t be a little weirder, they go and raise the bar to new heights. I mean what the hell is this shit? It’s an alarm clock that you call a wife? It’s an automated system that does all the nagging aspects of a spouse and none of the fun shit like, I don’t know, provide intimacy or be warm to the touch? “Hurry up or you’ll be late!” “Bring an umbrella!” Bitch, I have a watch and windows! I know what time it is and I know what the weather is like!

But you know what annoyed me even more than those messages? The one to come home early with the, “Hmmmm….”

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Are you kidding me, woman? You want me to take off work at noon to come home and…. and what?! AND. WHAT. You goddamn hologram? You want to get me all horned up for a second before I remember that I’m texting with a fucking machine? A quick case of blue balls and perhaps a trip to the unemployment line with my lunch? Anyone who’s ever had a girlfriend and a job knows these, “Why don’t you just skip work today,” fights and they’re infuriating when the prospect of sex looms at the end of them, never mind when it’s just some annoying Princess Leia wannabe at the other end. I will not help you and I don’t care that I’m your only hope. You’re a robot, entertain yourself.

These things are basically a new age version of SmarterChild. Remember that thing from AIM? I was in fifth grade and thought it was the coolest thing for roughly seven seconds before I realized, “I’m in fifth grade. I’m talking to a robot. I’m too old for this.” But these whacky Japanese businessmen need that special touch because there are no women in Japan (that’s not confirmed but it’s the only theory one could reasonably muster up to explain why all this shit comes out of the Pacific Rim). The last thing I need is a robot chick to annoy me while I’m trying to watch my shows when I get home from a long day at the office and the fact that these are apparently a thing shakes me to my core.

We discussed them today on the second half of KFC Radio and, believe it or not, Asa defended them. Check it out here.