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How About The Fact That The Government Gave Chaps Money To Buy His House? FUCK Uncle Chaps

I want to say this and I want to say it loud and clear:

FUCK UNCLE CHAPS *Nas Ether Voice*

I want to scream it from the mountaintops. I want everyone to know it. Every week I sit down with him for Podfathers and I explain some horrible shit about living in New York – be it childcare costs or real estate prices – and every week in his old Purple Heart Face Ass voice he shrugs his shoulders and tells me how cheap shit is in Texas and it makes me want to put my head in the garbage disposal. It started when he told he pays $180 a WEEK for daycare. He then corrected himself saying “Or 170. I dunno. Its so low that I dont pay attention to it.” And I felt my soul die a little bit on the inside.

And then this week was the straw that broke the camels back. We closed on our house last week and me and my wife (mostly my wife. Shout out sugar mama) basically sunk everything we’ve ever earned into a down payment on a house. And Chaps just cavalierly drops how the government paid HIM to buy his house. Zero down payment, and they wrote him a $5,000 check. And thats it folks. Thats the end of me and Chaps’ friendship. I simply cant be friends with someone who is gonna be rubbing this in my face. You know what he told me they were doing for his daughter? Putting a fucking BOUNCE HOUSE in their spare bedroom for her! Shea Clancy will be lucky if she gets her own nursery where she isnt eating lead paint.

I’m sure Texas sucks but who cares. We’re wifed up with kids. Everywhere sucks. Its not like I’m out there in NYC soaking in all the benefits for which you pay the premium (re: getting laid) so who cares that Texas blows. Sometimes I wish that I could just make my whole family disappear like Kevin McCallister so I could go live wherever I want. All my friends and extended family dead as shit so I could live in some place where they pay you money just to be alive in their town. Until that day, though, I’m stuck in New York. So I just wanna go on the record as saying I am officially hashtag DONE with Chaps. #Done.

If you’re a new parent or already a parent or you just wanna see whats in store for you in the future, listen to me, Chaps and Clem discuss buying houses and children’s TV shows that make you wanna smash your head against the wall repeatedly. Subscribe, rate and review on iTunes!