Buying your child their first Fleshlight.
If your son, Jack, was stuck on the roof, would you help your son, Jack, off?
We get a lot of mailbag questions on Podfathers, and it makes sense... Parenting is such a desperate operation there are times you would even seek out the advice of total strangers.
The submitted questions get so outlandish that some listeners may ask whether or not they are made up by whoever sent them in, but we attack them all as if they are true because we are not in the business of fact-checking.
This week, Uncle Chaps found a question that wasn't even addressed to us (it was from some random Reddit chat he reads late at night wearing nothing but an open kimono) but we felt was still worth answering...
I don't know about you, but there is one thing I thought of right away after reading this… This mom must be extremely attractive.
And not "attractive" in a classy way. Not like a perfectly coiffed Crissy Teigen sitting in a garden with one exposed tit feeding (what I hope is) her equally coiffed infant child…
I am talking about the past-her-prime-but-still-intimidatingly-hot mom you purposely seek out when you hit that MILF tab on Pornhub…
("Okay… I'll come get you and 3 of your friends at swim practice. Let me just change my panties.")
But regardless of what this broad looks like, the question remains…
Should you buy your son his first Fleshlight?
And I say "first Fleshlight" like it's some traditional right-of-passage… Like buying your boy his first beer at a ballgame or your daughter her first gun at a Trump rally.
The Fleshlight might be a household name, but it certainly isn't in every home. And for those who are pretending to be unfamiliar, here is my interview with Lisa Ann breaking down her experience with the Fleshlight design team…
Truth be told, I've seen them before but I have never used one, and I am not sure how I would feel finding one under my kids' bed. But that is not what this young, busty, wet, yummy mom is asking.
She wants to know if she should buy one for her kid.
And here is my answer…
There is no way you should buy your kid any type of masturbatory device… Be it porn, or Fleshlights, or pocket pussies, or harnesses, or dildos, or vibrators… Or ANYTHING your 14-year-old can use to please his or herself.
First off, once you do that, you automatically become "The Mom That Bought Her Kid A Fleshlight" because Junior will undoubtedly tell his friends about the device… And then his friends will undoubtedly ask him where he got it… And then he will undoubtedly tell them you bought it.
--- Please forgive all the undoubtedly-s here… I didn't feel like raping the thesaurus. ---
And then his friends will undoubtedly tell their moms about what you bought… And those moms will undoubtedly spread the news throughout the community… And you will undoubtedly become known as the perverted mom.
And the local dads will (last one) undoubtedly masturbate to you.
The second reason this little minx shouldn't buy her kid a stroke stick is- Don’t we do enough for our kids already?
Shouldn’t we be teaching them just a little bit of independence, particularly when it comes to matters of their own genitals?
This is not to say I don’t spoil my kids in other ways.
My children know how to make their beds but sometimes I do it for them… Give them extra time in the morning.
My children know how to make themselves breakfast but sometimes I do it for them… Give them a little treat.
Similarly, make no mistake about it, if this woman’s 14-year-old son knows what a Fleshlight is then chances are he also knows how to make himself cum… And she shouldn’t help him out with that beyond paying for the cable/high-speed internet in their house.
Plus, I have to ask, what’s wrong with the good old fashion self-handjob?
How come we are drifting away from those two trusted date nights hanging at the end of either of our arms?
And if Junior doesn’t like using a dry fist, then mommy dearest can just teach him the oldest trick in the book…
Leave the kid alone, sweetheart…
… He'll be just fine.
Take a report.