As is tradition, we had one last Christmas Spectacular on Podfathers to end the year. I had a slight mental breakdown, Large unleashed an all-time great dad move, Chaps got aired out on social media by his wife, and we welcomed Toys R Us #BACK to our lives.
However, the real guts of the episode was talking all things Christmas before the biggest holiday of the year for the little ones. So I wanted to relay some of the biggest points made to help all the newer moms and dads out there or at least the moms and dads that fuck up the same shit ever year.
On to the list ya filthy animals!
1. Assemble All The Big Presents On Christmas Eve
Do you really want to be stuck building a Barbie Dreamhouse or assembling a bike as your kid is hopped up on Christmas cheer and whatever chocolate they snuck from their stocking is hopping all over you?
I know that Christmas Eve is already a beast of a night for parents between dinner, getting excited kids to sleep, church if you are a good Catholic, and having to sneak around in your own house like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment.
This gif used to live on Barstool and the fact it has disappeared is a goddamn shame. Bringing it back consistently in 2022 is my New Years resolution
So no matter how late you have to stay up, just build those big gifts the night before so your Christmas is ruined by exhaustion and the looming sense of dread of your next credit card bill instead of exhaustion, dread, AND your kid pestering you about a gift that has an instruction manual the size of an encyclopedia. We sleep
in May after Christmas dessert.
2. Charge All New Toys And Buy A Shitload Of Batteries
This is a cousin of number 1 but deserves its own entry on the list. You know those kids pestering the fuck out of you? They will do it if the awesome new tablet or toy you gave them doesn't turn on because you didn't plug it in while you were assembling whatever toys you got them on Christmas Eve. Batteries are definitely going the way of the dodo bird but are still a vital part of our lives on parents (I rebuke whoever invented the battery compartment you need a screw driver the size of pin to open). Load up on some rechargeable batteries and you will never go powerless again. Christmas 2022 You will thank Christmas 2021 You, as will the landfills.
Also make sure their tablets are charged before any rides to other peoples' houses on Christmas. That should go without saying but there is a lot of shit going on in everyone's lives right now and you will want to drive off a cliff if you don't have that iPad-powered silence in the never-ending car ride on Christmas Day complete with the exhaustion from Christmas Eve.
3. Fuck Santa Claus
No, I don't mean to have sex with an imaginary magical creature that brings gifts to all of the nice children of the world. If you want to bang your local mall Santa, go for it! We don't kink shame here.
I am just saying don't let the big guy get all the credit or even most of the credit for the Christmas haul your kids receive. Those little gremlins have been waxing poetic about him for weeks and will sing his praises the rest of Christmas break after they open their presents. Just give him credit for a big gift or two simply so you can weaponize him next year by saying he won't come if they are naughty, which is the real reason Santa was invented.
4. Make Sure The Liquor Cabinet Is Fully Stocked
Do whatever is necessary to make your Christmas a little extra merry as you walk the line of trying to make countless childhood memories while also not ruining said childhood memories. We've all been through the ringer the last two years being stuck with our kids at home nonstop as we try to work and make them go to school. Which means this next week of Christmas """Vacation""" with cold weather and all the indoor places you would usually go being a launching pad for omicron is likely going to suck a little more.
So make sure you didn't drink any of your reserves over the last however many months being in The Suck. I personally suggest a nice Pink Whitney during your Christmas brunch and that's not just because I am a company guy, which I clearly am. But no matter what your poison is, make sure you have all the ingredients for it. Nothing is worse than going for a nice White Russian at the end of dinner then realizing you are out of Kahlua.
5. Don't Leave Your Kids Home Alone
This one really goes out to the McAllisters and the worst of the worst parents out there. Either you will spend your Christmas trying to get back to them or you don't care, which means you are going to hell.
6. Embrace Being The Garbage Man
This one goes out mostly for the dads to embrace being the guy that holds the giant garbage bag for all the wrapping paper. Mom probably found, bought, and wrapped all those gifts, so you are clueless about what is under the tree and who it is for. But what you can do is have some fun playing the backboard for your kid as they dunk the wrapping paper for their latest gift of the Religion x Capitalism superteam known as Christmas.
Follow all these tips and…you are still going to be superfucked no matter what because Christmas is an absolute pressure cooker for everyone involved considering there are a million other things to worry about and we haven't even gotten to people that are hosting. Nonetheless, just know that there are literally millions of other people going through the same thing, including the three idiots on The Podfathers (click to subscribe since we are essentially a support group for parents going through the same shit).
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