Listen up, you cheap fucks.
First off, Merry Christmas.
Secondly... With Christmas Break upon us, if you have a kid who is grammar school age or below, and that kid has a teacher that you feel compelled to give a gift to around Christmas, then DO NOT give that teacher anything BUT stone-cold cash.
And before you say, "Why should I tip my kids' teachers?... I already pay tuition." or "My tax dollars pay their salary... Why should I pay more?" read what I wrote above...
If you have a kid who is grammar school age or below, and that kid has a teacher that you feel compelled to give a gift to around Christmas, then DO NOT give that teacher anything BUT stone cold cash.
Conversely, if you do not feel compelled to give them anything, then fucking don't... I really don't give a fuck about you... Or your kid... Or their shitty teacher, for that matter.
I am addressing that group of parents that are lucky enough to have had an educator touch their child (appropriately) in a way that deserves recognition. And young parents might think that recognition is best reflected in perhaps a plant or a mug that says "World's Best Teacher".
But I am here to tell those parents that it doesn't.
And if you need proof... Check the dumpster behind any grammar school the afternoon the kids are sent home for winter break, and I guarantee you will see that it is strewn with mugs... and plants... and balloons... and bullshit plaques.
But do you know what's not in that dumpster?
The $50 bill I gave my kid's math teacher... You know... The one that spent extra time with my little mouth-breather, making sure he learned the basic math skills necessary to function in society.
Now… Maybe you will ask…
"What about gift cards, Large?"
And here is my answer…
No matter how much you think you do, you actually know nothing about this teacher's lifestyle. So the fact that you see them in Dunkin' Donuts every morning doesn't warrant you getting them a DnD gift card because maybe they are trying to cut down on their caffeine… Or maybe they don't feel comfy using gift cards… Or maybe they are blowing the guy that owns that franchise and consequently hasn't paid for a coffee there in years.
You simply don't know.
What you do know is that at some point in time… At someplace on this planet… That teacher is going to need to purchase something that will cost them somewhere around $50. And although our society is rapidly going cashless, the easiest way to give them the ability to pay $50 is still to give them $50.
Maybe you will also ask…
"Doesn't the giving of cash to a teacher look a little shady?… Like maybe it can be construed as being a sort of bribe so the teacher shows favoritism to only the kids with generous parents?"
And although I don't normally like to answer a question with another question, here's my answer…
Who the fuck cares?
This is your fucking kid we're talking about, asshole.
If the gift gets him or her a little extra attention, so be it… Plus, I don't ever remember reading about someone who got in trouble for tipping an extraordinary educator.
Just don't take it too far…
Therefore, and in conclusion- This Christmas season… IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ONE… Then the best possible gift that you can give a teacher does not come from a department store, bakery, or florist.
It comes straight from the ATM.
Take a report.