If we can get serious for a second, I have some terrible news.
News about a young lady I have never met but have been following for just over a year.
She’s a young Instagram model who was just diagnosed with a condition that affects far too many of her peers.
In January of 2019, I penned a fashion blog about a recent wave that was sweeping the Internet… The micro-bikini.
And at the forefront of this barely dressed revolution was one unnaturally beautiful woman… Jessica Cakes.
I didn't feature her in the blog, but only because her photos showed just a tiny bit of vagina. So instead I played it safe with some other THOT whose name escapes me.
However, the fact that she was involved in my research earned her an easily explained FOLLOW, and I have been watching her undress from behind the virtual hedgerow of social media ever since.
“Hey, Large… What do you mean be ‘easily explained follow’?”
Well, person-who-is-obviously-not-married… An ‘easily explained follow’ is someone you can easily explain being on your timeline if your spouse and/or kids happen to see her on your phone as you are scrolling on the couch while pretending to enjoy The Masked Singer with your wife and daughter.
I have another 'easily explained follow" named Francia James.
I first found Francia in a clip where she was molested by an elephant…
Which made me think, "Hey, if that elephant had a chance, then maybe there's hope for a guy like me."
Since then, she has posted equally zany antics…
But she hides them among dozens of other posts that are pure smut…
And if anyone questions why she is on my timeline, I simply say she's that elephant girl, and I can't miss what viral stunt she does next.
“How pathetic, Large!… When I get married I won’t have to explain anything to no one.”
Sure you won’t, kid… I have no doubt you’ll be king of your castle… Lemme know how that works out.
Winds up Jessica's real last name isn't "Cakes"… It's Weaver. She doesn't keep her identity a secret and she has also been very vocal about her battle with cervical cancer. I believe that battle is behind her… At least I hope it is because Miss Weaver also blessed her fans with this good news recently…
Jessica and her fiancee are expecting.
Her husband-to-be (JJ Velasquez) appears to be a successful personal trainer who has made a good living trying to make fat fucks like me fit under an umbrella, and now he has a new wife and child on the way… Congrats, my man.
But what about the rest of us?
As JJ and JC head off towards the Happily Ever After with a strong marriage and a beautiful child, what's going to happen to all the weirdos who have relied on her NSFW accounts to get them through the hectic days (and/or lonely nights)?
I think the fact that Jess decided to wear a shirt that was see-through for the birth announcement is a good sign, but the question remains: Will she be just walking away?
Actually a second question remains: Even if she doesn't walk away, will anyone be interested if she stays?
If you page through these 3 most recent photos in the Insta post directly below, you can see Cakes is still putting her surgically-enhanced assets out there front-and-center but is also showing what the view might resemble if you were to 'visit' her from behind, and then finally gives us a 'baby bump' update.
I don't know about you, but that trio of pictures adds up to a photographic roller-coaster that I feel guilty for riding.
Now, listen… Before I go any further, lemme just say- Pregnant women are beautiful.
AND women who have had kids are also fucking delicious.
I am married to a woman who has had three kids and I am still actively bagging what she is raking every chance I get.
Barstool's Kate just had a gorgeous little boy and she looks FANTASTIC.
--- FREE CROSS-PROMOTING PLUG HERE- Kate is starting a blog series (and possibly a merch line), aimed at moms.
I am sure that there are some old-school Stoolies who will scoff at the idea, but they are probably the same who scoffed when a former Barstool employee got paid TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to talk about blowjobs.
I hope Kate crushes it. ---
But back to me judging this Insta model even though I look like a pile of laundry.
Unlike my wife or Kate, almost 100% of Jessica's allure for her TWELVE MILLION FOLLOWERS are her big fake tits, small waist, and fat ass ('fat' in a good way). Pregnancy tends to ruin those three things, so while I assume there are a handful of people who find her inspirational quotes… well… inspirational. The vast majority of those who have smashed the FOLLOW button (like me) did it to see just how close she will come to "dumping them out".
Probably not a nice thing to say, but I can't imagine either Jess or her fiancee are under a different impression, and the majority of her comments are guys looking for soiled panties, not words of wisdom.
(So true… Now take your top off.)
So what's a guy to do when he's on the verge of losing a cherished follow?
Where do I find a young lady with cartoonish features to replace my last silicone queen?
And that's where Jessica steps back in.
You see, in addition to her main Instagram account, Cakes has a couple of other related accounts.
One is a backup account, just in case her main gets punished by the almighty Instagram powers-that-be for a "labial slip"…
Another is her fitness account that highlights her rigorous (and sometimes unorthodox) diet and exercise regimen…
Her fourth Insta account is called "cakedwear", and it focuses on fashion (most of it is see-through)…
I assume it got the name "cakedwear" because all of the outfits look like they will unavoidably be caked with dried semen on the floor of a limo… Respectfully and with full consent, of course.
But it's her fifth and final account that I will look to in order to fill the void Jessica will inevitably leave behind whilst on maternity leave.
It is called "womenarebeautifulsouls" and according to Jess' description, womenarebeautifulsouls is filled with "Gorgeous women who motivate me! (please dm for picture removal)"
This account has a measly 84,000 followers, but I could see it growing like a wedding dick once this blog gets out, and I hope that bump in numbers is a suitable wedding/baby gift for Jess as she embarks on this new journey.
Mazel tov, Jessica Cakes… And thanks for the mammaries.
Take a report.
I published this blog under "The Podfathers" because Clem, Chaps, and I are bound to talk about Jessica's news this week… Stay tuned.