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Charles Schwab Bank Accidentally Deposited 1.2 Million Dollars In This Woman's Bank Account, She Tried To Run Off With It, Promptly Got Arrested And Fired From Her Job

A former sheriff’s dispatcher in New Orleans has been arrested after she refused to return more than $1.2 million that was accidentally deposited in her brokerage account.

Kelyn Spadoni, 33, was taken into custody on charges of theft, bank fraud and illegal transmission of monetary funds, according to local reports. Spadoni has been fired by the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office in the wake of her arrest.

Charles Schwab has filed a lawsuit against Spadoni and insisted she must return all the funds.

Authorities say that Spadoni moved the funds to a separate account at Fidelity and used some of the money to buy a car and a house.

Kelyn, my girl, I am genuinely sorry this did not work out for you. Who among us wouldn't also scoop up this fraudulent money and try to steal it? You'd at least THINK about it. I don't think I'd buy a car, but I'd def buy some sort of house. 1.2 mill is enough for a modest cottage at the beach, why not? Unfortunately Kelyn made a few mistakes. 1, she got caught. Can't get caught. 2. she wasn't smart enough to hide all this money and disappear into the abyss with it. Here's how she should have done it:

1. Take out all of the cash, immediately disappear and find a safe place to start cleaning this money Ozark style. I'd choose a small island somewhere (that has a LOT of American currency, or just exchange it for foreign bills.) Get a job at a local bar or restaurant. Dye your hair (this always works.)

2. Get in contact with someone who will invest your money anonymously and take your newly cleaned cash. 1.2 million isn't that much, you def won't be able to live forever on just that. Invest wisely. Diversify your portfolio. Work on that passive income, it's much harder to seize tangible assets (this is a fact.) 

3. Get a nose job. Not too invasive, super common, and will change your face just enough that people MIGHT think "you remind me of that bitch i saw on the news who stole 1.2 million dollars, but you def aren't her, her nose is totally different." 

4. After a few years of laying low, hire a fake police officer to go to your family's house and tell them they found your remains. They'll ask to see them, you have the fake police tell them that they unfortunately got destroyed in a fire in the evidence room. Tragic but true. Your family has a funeral with an empty casket, your debts are absolved (debt goes away when you die, another fact.) Everyone forgets about you, including the bank. You escape to your beach cottage while your mansion in the Italian countryside is being built, where you will begin your new life.

5. After 20 years or so, you fake your own death again. No one can ever get too close, even to the family that you started, and you've got to bounce. Let them remember the fake you as best as they can. You don't ever want them to see the P.I. with the vendetta against you throwing you up against a cop car in handcuffs. You lived a great second life. You escape to the mansion you built hidden in the rainforest (you got special permits, it was fine and didn't ruin any wildlife) and you live there until you actually die.

That's what Kelyn should've done. Instead she acted a fool, got arrested and got fired. Tough scene.

Anyway, new episode of Because We Got High is out! Roofies, Riches and Responsibilities. We talk about this story on the pod, as well of a bunch of other shit you will like. Give it a listen. 

  

YouTube version of the episode will be out at 7pm tonight! Subscribe for us, will ya? Xoxo 

AND THE MERCH!