Dad Fashion Update- YOGA PANTS FOR ALL!
Spoke last week about the new dad uniform I witnessed at drop-off and I lamented the death of the fleece vest... We talk about that and a shitload of other topics on this week's Podfathers.
Today I dropped off my youngest liability once again and as I was driving home I got maybe 3 blocks away from her grammar school when I spied a captivating dad walking his 2 children to class.
This trio was so fascinating that I felt compelled to stop my car only a couple of paces away, just to get a better look.
His kids were young... Maybe Kindergarten and 1st Grade, or maybe Kindergarten and the second kid was a pre-grammar younger sibling.
And the crew seemed European... Off-brand clothes, t-shirts with indistinguishable characters, very pale complexions (almost gray-skinned), and weird haircuts. It is almost like they aren't stateside long enough yet to toe the suburban fashion line, or perhaps they were white knights brought here by Hanz Gruber to rob the Nakatomi Tower.
(this guy introduced me to cocaine)
The dad was particularly interesting… Wire rimmed glasses, spotty hair up top, and a scraggly black beard made his 30-year-old face seem more like it was in its mid-50s.
He wore a thin gray sweatshirt with no visible t-shirt underneath, a pair of running sneakers made by a brand that I have never seen before, and patterned yoga pants.
Yeah, Jim… This motherfucker went full yoga pants in public.
And judging by the time of day and the distance he was still from the school, this gent was fully prepared to walk maybe 10 suburban blocks round-trip wearing nothing from the waist down except a pair of KangsROOS on his feet and a skintight pair of dark yogas with a definitive star-burst pattern scattered over his legs, ass, and balls.
Man, it would so much easier to just post the picture I took of this family so my wife and I could laugh at them in bed, but imagine if someone like me used a platform like this to ridicule a family like that in an environment like today?
They would bury me underneath the prison.
But back to this asshole's outfit…
Now… I like yoga pants. And I especially like yoga pant gifs.
Don't believe me?… Here are 5 of them:
(This is British bobsledder Gillian Cooke at the 2010 World Championships in Switzerland.)
And I have worn something similar to yoga pants on many occasions… I have a silky "base layer" that I don whenever I take the family skiing or even if I am simply going out to shovel snow.
If it is warm enough in the room I am dressing in then putting these skintight silks over my warm pendulous dick allows me to drop it down the side of my leg… Like a fucking well-hung pornstar… And it feels FANTASTIC.
But inevitably a gust of cold wind will breeze by my undercarriage, the turtle will jump back in its shell, and I go back to making love with the lights turned off.
Still, my base layer is ALWAYS just that- a BASE layer. I don't have the balls (literally AND figuratively) to wear that shit solo, and I am not sure men should even be allowed to.
Scratch that… For the benefit of anyone editing this blog right now- EVERYONE SHOULD WEAR YOGA PANTS IF THEY'D LIKE.
I got some pushback years ago… Very early in Lizzo's career… For comments saying yoga pants are a privilege, not a right.
But, much like Lizzo, I have grown since then… Grown so much that maybe now I can find the courage to take my kid by the hand and proudly walk him/her to school with my cottage cheese ass dappling in the sun and my healthy moose knuckle extending and retracting as the breeze dictates.
Take a report.