We had big news in the Casa de Clem this week as my wonderful 6-year-old daughter Siena lost her first tooth, which resulted in my wife and I playing the Tooth Fairy for the first time outside of some kinky role play back when we first started dating. Wait what?
Anyway, being a parent has opened my eyes about how crazy some of the shit we tell our kids is. Over the last five months, we've lied about a jolly fat guy bringing gifts to millions of children around the world in a single night, a giant bunny doing the same thing with candy filled eggs, and people are even selling the idea of leprechauns being real on St. Patrick's Day to the point kids are making leprechaun traps at school.
We all know that leprechauns only exist in one magical place: Mobile, Alabama!
Now I thought putting out Christmas presents in the middle of the night and hiding Easter eggs early in the morning was tough. But nothing tops lifting up your child's pillow AS THEY ARE SLEEPING to swap out something that fell out of their body for real U.S. currency then telling them a bone collecting fairy did it. Seriously, who came up with this shit? Then to make matters worse, if your sleeping kid wakes up because you are lifting their head as they are sleeping, they will know that the tooth fairy is all a ruse. And once they find out the fairy stealing children's teeth to probably sell on the dark web is fake, everything comes crashing down.
Goodbye Santa. Goodbye Easter Bunny. Goodbye all those sweet moments of your kids waking up excited about being visited by a magical creature that gave them stuff because they were good. And most importantly goodbye weaponizing those magical creatures to make your kids behave, eat their dinner, or brush their teeth. All because some weirdos made up a weird story about the tooth fairy existing hundreds of years ago that you have to lie about every time your kid loses another tooth in a mouth FULL of them.
Speaking of the weirdos who came up with this shit, on the podcast we dive into the Twisted History™ of the Tooth Fairy around the world:
- Large now has a pink dog:
- We dive into stories including a battle of hundreds of Joshes, two Russian kindergarteners breaking out of class to buy a Jaguar, and Utah residents being denied a hunting and fishing license if they refuse to pay child support before finishing things off by answering mailbag questions including a Power Ranking of the seasons.
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