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Suburban Dad Fashion Update

Dropped my youngest off at grammar school this morning before I interviewed a fucking MONSTROUS young boxing prospect... Puerto Rican kid named Edgar Berlanga who is 16-0 as a super-middleweight with 16 first-round knockouts.

(that right-left to the mid-section opened up this tomato can for all those thunderous overhands)

I’ll say that again- Edgar Berlanga is undefeated after 16 professional fights, but he’s never fought for longer than 2 minutes and 40 seconds because (even though he hasn’t fought anyone real yet) he throws fucking BOMBS. 

Anyhoo… I am dropping off my little angel, pretending to listen to her plans for the day while trying to formulate questions for the interview inside my head when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. 

A pack of dads dropping their kids off near the kindergarten entrance and they were all dressed EXACTLY alike. 

Not a new phenomenon by any means.  Suburban dad fashion has always toed a line for the most part. 

The only reason I found it outstanding was I never got the memo that the ‘dad dress code’ has changed. 

I am nearing 50 years old, and my grammar school kid is my youngest child, whereas these kindergarten dads seem like they might be experiencing school for the first time with their liabilities. So if you factor in the 6-year difference between my kid and a kindergartener,  and then maybe throw in an additional 10 years where I spread out my other two older kids (that these gents are probably working on now), then there’s an argument I am a good 20 years older than the group of bros I just passed. 

I am officially the old dad. 

Still, I thought I remained “hip” enough to be in the fashion circle. 

But I am not. 

When my kids were young, every dad who wasn’t on his way to work… And I mean EVERY FUCKING DAD (who wasn’t in his way to work)… Would pick-up and/or drop-off on a lovely Spring day like today wearing a pair of khaki shorts, some sort of expensive running sneakers, a golf shirt, and a fleece vest. 

That was it… That was the uniform. 

I would often drop my kids off and be deep inside this gaggle of Steves… All nice guys… But would feel like an outsider in my basketball shorts, orthotic shearling slippers, and brand new v-neck t-shirt. 

They never treated me as an outcast, but instead accepted me in as one of their own… I even got invited to golf outings and ‘Dads’ Night Out’ dinners where one guy out of 20 always brought cocaine and two other guys didn’t mind. 

Giphy Images.

That was then.  This is now.  

NOW, apparently, that formula has been tweaked… Every dad (not on his way to work) is wearing a pair of relaxed-fit jeans, the same sneakers, an open long sleeve fleece shirt over a t-shirt that has some sort of “outdoor motif”, and a worn-in trucker hat. 

And that is now “it”… That is the uniform. 

Meanwhile, it is 10 years later and I am STILL wearing those same basketball shorts, now VERY broken-in orthotic shearling slippers, and a v-neck t-shirt that I should probably replace.

The only change I have made is I have been cultivating a handsome mustache for the past 3 weeks that may or may not make me look like a gay pirate… Or a “Dick-In-Ear”, as I like to call me. 

Giphy Images.

And this new group of Brads is not so accommodating.

I now find myself on the outside of their huddle, forced to overhear conversations about hard seltzers and tough mudders.  And I no longer get invited to outings or dinners. 

And I gotta tell you… It feels FANTASTIC. 

I have enough friends… Well, mainly Willie and Clem… But I don’t need any more.  

So Kyle, and Justin, and Rich, and Ching-hee, and Rishi, and Muhammad, and Tyrone (this new group of dads is refreshingly diverse) can go fuck themselves. 

And if anyone feels like playing 18, Steve and I are heading over to Arcola at 2… BYOVest. 

Take a report. 


There's a Barstool employee on the cusp of becoming a new dad… Smitty… And, unlike me, I can see him being an immediate outcast once his kid becomes school-age.

He sat down with Clem and me on this week's episode of Podfathers and gave us an idea of what he expects now that his wife is almost done expecting… I attached the podcast up above, and you can support us by supporting our sponsors…

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