"First of all, if you're teaching your kid the alphabet, he's obviously really young, how is he going to know what fucking Autozone is? He's not. He's 5. He's not shopping for car parts. A 5 year old doesn't have a carburetor on his Christmas list."
"And just remember, you can make fun of rednecks because they're white people and they're considered dumb. So you're allowed to."
"He writes in there 'don't lie'. I don't know what he's going to do if you do lie. Is he going to put you under oath? Everyone that plays this game: Hey listen man, I'm going to come over with a lie detector test. Or I need a deposition from you. Where's the nearest lawyer's office? Go there and I got a local lawyer whose going to come down and give you a deposition to make sure you weren't lying about the little game that I posted. If you lie, I'm going to get you on a purgery charge. If you make up that answer, I just want to let you know you're under oath sir."
"What are you going to do if you catch me lying? This motherfucker. Are you going to delete me as a Facebook friend? Then I'm definitely going to lie."
"What if some pedophile wants to play this game? And he sees he's not allowed to lie. He's like 'oh man I guess I got to tell the truth because it says don't lie and especially because it says it in capital letters. Okay so um my name is Lil' Kitty Porn.' You think that guy might lie if the last thing he purchased was kitty porn? And worry about the repercussions from this guy later?"
"No chick is going to post that her last name is Lil Abortion, alright?"
And as for the whole "Go" thing.
(Just a friendly PSA: listen to episodes **ALL THE WAY THROUGH before tweeting and also PROOFREAD them)
"Listen, in the history of these dumb Facebook games, no one has ever got less responses because they didn't write go."
"How fat are your fucking fingers that an onion ring might fit? And even if it did, that's gonna be good? Don't you think you're going to have to switch that onion ring out every once in awhile? You get back from your honeymoon, go back to work after 2 weeks, everyone wants to see your ring. You gonna walk into work with an onion ring on your fucking finger? Really?"
"You want people to throw chicken nuggets at you? You just spent fucking $750 on your hair, $200 for someone to blow dry it out, $3,000 on a dress, fucking $600 on makeup, and you want people to throw chicken nuggets at you? You sure?"
"So you're telling me a 3 year old is telling her father when he wakes her up, 'Dad, leave me alone I need my beauty sleep, I need cucumbers on my eyes?' A 3 year old didn't say that. A 3 year old wouldn't know to put cucumbers on your eyes and get rid of the bags. They wouldn't know any of that. I don't know what you got out of that. You needed some kind of fucking attention."
"Be proud of your daughter. Whatever. It's great that you're into your kid. But don't make up lies, okay? We know you're full of shit. Everybody knows you're full of shit. And anyone that has a kid, that's not going to make up a lie on Facebook, knows that a 3 year old wouldn't say this. Why didn't you wait til she was 6?"
"You gotta hand it to this woman. She created a pyramid scheme just so she can get shitfaced drunk for free. This is a pyramid scheme. Can you imagine this fucking dumb woman just staring out her front window everyday just waiting for the Amazon truck to pull up for her next fix? She's so desperate to get high, if turpentine came to the fucking house, she'd drink it."
"You know what, you're an adult, okay? You want wine? Go to the fucking liquor store and buy some. You don't need some fucking wine Santa Claus bringing it to your house. Why can't I just buy my own bottle of wine? Wine that I know I'm going to like instead of getting some unknown shitty bottle that I'll never drink."
"Was that fun? Was that a good game? Did you get a little fucking enjoyment out of it? Did you get a little distraction out of your day for a couple minutes to write Stim Duncan? That make you feel better?"
But first buy some merch.