Baboons With Chainsaws and Knives Wreak Havoc in Safari Park

Imagine rolling into your favorite Safari Park with your family on a lovely Saturday morning. The kids are excited to see all the exotic animals from faraway lands when suddenly, out of the morning fog, approaches a baboon. The children tense with anticipation as the first animal encounter is about to begin. They grow quiet as if puzzled by what they're seeing. They begin shouting that the baboon has a chainsaw! You tell them to stop making such outrageous things up. You look in your sideview mirror and low and behold a fucking baboon with a chainsaw is approaching your car from the rear. By now it is too late. The baboon descends upon your car in a fit of primeval rage, leaving your family shaken and your motor, as they call it in ol London Town, nearly totaled. 

Apparently at a Safari Park in the UK this happens all the time, to the point that mechanics have set up shop just outside of it to repair the cars damaged by weapon-wielding baboons. We discussed it on the latest episode of ZBT and talked about what animals WE would want to take with us into battle.

ROUND 1: Are weaponized baboons attacking tourists at a drive-through zoo in the UK? We’d sure like to think so! 

ROUND 2: One soldier is injured after an M1 Abrams main battle tank accidently fired on another tank during a training exercise at Fort Bliss. If you’re in the area watch out for an enormous ball of shit rolling downhill after this one. 

ROUND 3: The Chinese Consulate General in Houston has been ordered to close following allegations of spying, but we’re sure they’re totally innocent despite burning a ton of documents in their courtyard the other day. 

ROUND 4: The Marine Corps Marathon has been cancelled for 1st time in 45 years and we’re only telling you this because Kate wants to remind you she ran it once.