Is The Handshake Dead?

Throwback week for Barstool Chicago doing a 5-man podcast with a shoddy AV connection but we're doing our best amidst the global pandemic. This week on Red Line we spent most of the time fucking around because there's hardly any sports news to talk about. Outside of reminiscing, one thing that came up on this week's podcast that really hit home is the death of the handshake. 

It's an odd thing when you think about it. Grasping another man's hand to greet them. Kinda makes me uncomfortable that it was the first thing we crossed off the list when Corona hit. Almost like if it's such a risky activity to begin with, maybe we probably shouldn't be doing it anyways? My impression from getting woke on viruses is that I'm better off hot boxing my dad's garage with a carton of Marlborro reds than I am shaking hands with your average stranger. 

This is coming from a noted handshake enthusiast. Such a passion you could even call it a weakness. Too many times I've been in the awkward crossroads of throwing a firm and formal hand, only to catch a loose wrist mid-dap. Makes me feel like a goddamn narc. It's as if society is naturally gravitating away from the handshake anyways. I've been feeling like an outsider for some time now. 

And to be honest - most of your handshakes suck. I'd have higher expectations listening to 10 random public speeches than shaking 10 random hands. Some people get overly aggressive and squeeze your fingers. Then you got your jumbo hands or your tiny hands. Sweaty hands. Hairy hands. Weak hands. For all intents and purposes, a majority of hands are absolutely disgusting, and we haven't even mentioned what people actually do with them. I'm talking purely from a technical standpoint before we even get to the jerking off and fecal matter portion of the argument. 

So maybe just maybe the handshake dies in 2020. Maybe it doesn't. Personally I say we trade it in for fist bumps and ass slaps like you just hit the front end of a 1-and-1. Turn the entire world into one big locker room filled with camaraderie and earned respect

HEY FRANK  *cheek slap

I don't hate it.