Adult BINGO - Every Single Conversation Of Every Social Outing You'll Have After The Age Of 30

Now that I'm back in the blog game, I have a lot of catching up to do. When I was in my mid 20s was basically my diary. I chronicled everything I was doing in my life. From work to relationships to partying to my social life. If you read the blog every day from like 2009 to 2015, you grew up with me and learned about everything I did. And so the blog was really a blueprint for living life in a big city as a 20-something finding their way. 

Which was awesome because it followed me through all the interesting shit I was doing. Helicopter rides to the Hamptons and private jets to the Super Bowl. I told the stories of the parties I went to and the bars I hung out at. The friends I made and the people I hooked up with. All the interesting stuff I learned living on the east side of Manhattan with not a care in the world. And in addition to the fun stories, I also always warned you about the pitfalls of life. The misery that is work. The difficulty that is relationships. The trials and tribulations of being a lost and confused person in their late 20s. 

So now that I'm dipping the pen again, its time to update you on life as a guy in his mid thirties. And let me tell you, its drastically different, a lot less interesting, and theres a lot less to say. You see, I've noticed that every social outing at this age is the same 5 or 6 topics, on repeat, over and over and over. Its like everyone has turned into those dolls with the pull string. The same handful of comments comes out of their mouths every damn time. Every time you hit the bar or sit down to dinner with your equally-as-washed-up friends, its a game of Adult Bingo. You can shout out the topics that are going to be discussed before they even happen.

B I N G O:


The Kids - Almost everyone in my crew is a mother or father now. So every conversation starts off with "hows the kids?" And most of the time I'd imagine people are saying it just to be polite and fill the silence, but before you know it youre talking about sleep regressions and potty training and shit and you're actually, unfortunately, interested in it. I cant tell if its because misery loves company or if your life is actually that boring that you really care about the sleep schedule and bowel movements of a 3 year old that you didnt even create...but either way, kill yourself.


Real Estate - I swear to God if I have to hear about your property taxes one more time, I'm going on a seven state shooting spree. Everyone has horrible property taxes, and if they dont it means they live in a poor part of town and their kids need to walk through metal detectors to go to school. I dont care what you closing costs were. I dont care that you've done the math and decided that continuing to rent is more cost effective. If it aint effecting my shelter and my life, do not care.


Your kitchen appliances - Oh you cook your steak in a Sous Vide?? Oh my god you make your OWN WINGS in your air fryer???? Thats so fucking cool, Billy Mays! Why dont you tell me about the payment plan too? Can I order one from you in the next 15 minutes for the low price of 29.99? Can I pay in three installments of "Shut the hell up?"


Your diet - Keto works for you. But that dude over there went full blown paleo! She went Gluten Free. And that guy over there? He's full vegan. Dont worry, I know what you're thinking - but dont worry! He gets his protein from tofu and soy beans! He's good! Actually I was hoping you wouldnt find a source of protein and you would eventually waste away and die before we had the chance to have this awful conversation again. Its all super fucking fascinating to hear about all the food you are, or are not, putting in your body. Really awesome. And for the love of Christ, would you stop about Intermittent Fasting? Yea no kidding you're losing weight. Thats just an eating disorder. Oh I skip breakfast and then I eat lunch and then I cant eat again till breakfast but then I skip breakfast so I just wait until the following day and have dinner. Uhhh sounds like you had about 2 meals in 4 days, no kidding you lost weight. You're an anorexic idiot. I dont care how you starve yourself, just stop talking to me.


The Book you're reading or the Podcast you listen to or the Show that I "Have To Watch" - The most tolerable of Adult Bingo because we all like TV shows or podcasts. But I dont really need to hear the phrase "In this book I'm reading..." ever again. I probably have seen the show you're about to tell me about since we all watch the same goddam Netflix documentaries and binge the new show the just dropped. Lets just cut to the True Crime talk and we can debate whether you think a person is guilty or innocent and then we'll scream at each other, as all other white people do.

BINGO! Who's got their card? Honorable mentions include what groupon special a couple in your friend group just used...what the stock market is doing if you have douche bag finance friends...and my personal favorite - the entire group harassing the one single friend for explicit, uncomfortable, downright inappropriate details about their sex life and their freedom.

If you hit those topics right there, you've basically engaged in every single conversation I've had since I turned about 32. Its an absolute miracle there arent mass suicides every day of people who realize their once-interesting lives have come to a screeching halt.