Chicago Is About To Be The Bachelor Party Capital Of The World
BIG news in Illinois this week. For the first time since like Abe Lincoln, the Illinois government actually got something done. Weed and Gambling made legal in the same weekend basically quadrupled the amount of positive legislation passed in the last 30 years. And thanks to that, Chicago is now the vice Capital of the world for guys who like getting fucked up, but in a responsible, Miller Lite type fashion. Fucked up in a type of way that won’t have your girlfriend trying to break into your phone by pressing your thumb on the unlock button while you sleep because you weren’t at a Vegas pool party. You were just at a baseball game in Chicago.
A baseball game where you absolutely bet your tits off from your seat because every stadium is now going to have live betting. Everywhere is going to have betting and Chicago is getting a mega casino AND…all of the race tracks are turning into casinos too. I feel like people missed that part. Every single track in the State is going to be allowed to have 1200 betting stations. That means slots, tables, you name it, you got it. Then, right when the race is about to start you can run over there, put a few bets down, and on your way back to the tables you can stop at the sports book and bet some more. It’s a tur-duck-en of gambling and you can do it while you’re high as shit because starting in January there’s going to be dispensaries everywhere.
People call into the Redline voicemail line every so often asking for bachelor party ideas for Chicago. I usually recommend Wrigley(duh), renting a boat(kinda iffy sometimes depending on budget/weather), and then just drinking. Now…I can say…go to Hawthorne or Arlington all day, take whatever money you have left and stop for Miller Lites and beefs and call it a night. And THAT is going to be a great day. No awkward conversations about money and splitting costs of activities evenly. If you have some friend doing big time in the finance world, he can let it loose while your other buddy is placing $2 bets and having the time of his life. It’s going to draw all the bachelor parties for the guys who want all the vices of Vegas(minus, you know, prostitutes) without the high costs and stigmas. It’s going to be great…
It’s going to be great for everyone who doesn’t live here. From those of us who do…just don’t be an asshole. Thank you in advance of next summer.