I Hit Rock Bottom And I Shazam'd My Porn
From todays episode of KFC Radio:
I hit rock bottom this weekend. Emotionally, sure. But that’s been a long time coming. But I also hit rock bottom in a very real and tangible way. Sunday night I was watching porn. Nowadays, I’m a big fan of the amateur couples. Married couples fucking all over the place. Is this me longing for something I didn’t have? Perhaps. Is this a guilty conscience manifesting itself? Could be. All I know I have fallen in love with 3 amateur porn couples this year. Started with younggcouple. One of those chicks who doesn’t show her face. Next up was another mysterious couple with a hidden female who cut right to the chase and called herself “NoFaceGirl.” I was on an enormous kick for them for months now. She’s super hot with an amazing ass and the dude’s dick sorta looks like mine so I was enamored. But eventually I came to understand that NoFaceGirl was one of these chicks who doesn’t do anal which is just preposterous in 2018. It was time to move on.
I stumbled upon “LeoLulu.” A fire thumbnail and a strong description in my “recommended for you” section had me hooked. Obviously their name was some sort of hybrid mashup of their names. Like the Brangelina of porn. I clicked, and we were off.
Now, if you think it’s already pathetic that I’ve fallen in love with multiple pornographic couples and also have so little shame in discussing this explicitly, buckle up, it’s about to get a lot worse.
Back to LeoLulu. I planned to do my usual – watch the first few seconds to see how things kick off, scroll a quarter of the way through, then scroll again looking for the part that was in the thumbnail that attracted me in the first place, then scroll to the finale. But as that plan unfolded, I noticed something different about LeoLulu. They were fucking to a soundtrack. And I’m not talking 1970s Bow Chicka WOW WOW. I’m talking instrumental hip hop beats that fucking THUMPED. Boom bap beats that you could feel in your chest. One song goes by…2 songs go by…by the third song I realize this is no accident. LeoLulu listens to FIRE when they fuck. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t even watching them have sex anymore. I wasn’t even looking at her asshole, like all of us are always doing. I was nodding my head to the beat. I didn’t know whether to jerk off or try to freestyle. One after another, every song hotter than the previous. Instrumental heat from a different time before rap music went pop.
But the problem was, it was just that. Instrumentals. Unless you knew the beat, there was no way to tell what song is was. But these beats were haunting me. Piano loops and baselines rattling around in my head. So I did what any self respecting music fan does when they find a mystery song on an internet video: I went to the comments. 261 comments on this Petite Blonde Deepthroat and ANAL Big Cock At Home. I scoured every single cretin looking for someone who heard the same fire I heard and could maybe offer some insight. 258 comments were from porn addicts, ranging from technical questions about the video to broken English cyber sex to short and sweet compliments:
But there was 3 people in the comments section that weren’t there for the porn at all. There were 3 music aficionados who knew the real value in that porn was the audio, not the visual.
BigTom1000 and Joenastyness to the rescue. Couple guys with an ear for musical greatness. I knew Necro – “I Need Drugs” well. Any self respecting wigger who liked hip hop went through a Necro phase. So I fired up “Underground” and I started to scratch my itch.
The problem is this porn is 25:08 long. That means upwards of 7 or 8 songs. And I only had 1. Gods Bathroom Floor didnt turn up any search results. So I did what I had to do. I did the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. Laying on my bed with my Tommy Johns around my ankles, I took my free hand…and I Shazam’d my porn. If you’re not familiar with Shazam, its probably because you’re not washed up and the type of guy who watches porn for music. Shazam might be like the first app, EVER. It came out in like 1999. And still to this day, despite dating myself, I stand by Shazam. Its the greatest technology ever. I have no idea how they developed this so early. I have no idea how it works so well and so consistently. But its truly magic. Press Shazam and it listens to your song and tells you the name in 2 seconds. Literal magic.
I took out my iPhone and dusted off the Shazam app like someone would blow dust off of an old book at a museum. I began Shazaming, and I found nothing but results. One, after another, after another. Oddisee. Large Professor. DJ K.O. These underground hip hop names I had never heard of. The playlist began building. Beat after beat. Banger after banger. And before I knew it, LeoLulu had gifted me one of the best unexpected playlists I had ever heard. They had me diggin in the crates, going back to all my favorite hip hop purists. Aesop Rock and RA The Rugged Man. Company Flow and Eternal Reflection. I fired up all my favorites from the Okayplayer days with the Roots. I went from JOing to a married couple to deep down a rabbit hole of hip hop classics.
I dont know what that says about me. Whether I’m a porn addict or a hip hop nerd or some combination of both. Whether I’m just an old loser or simply a music fan for turning to Shazam in my time of need. I dont know who I am, or what I am, anymore. But I do know we have this fire playlist to enjoy. Shout out to Pornhub and LeoLulu for making it happen.