Who Would Steal 600 Chicken Fingers Intended For A Graduation Party?
MAPLE GROVE, Minn — It doesn’t get much weirder than this.
Two high school seniors, Taylor Brodersen and Jimmy Lu, were preparing for a joint graduation party this weekend when something went horribly awry. The 600 chicken fingers Taylor had ordered from the Maple Grove Raising Cane’s, they discovered, had been picked up by somebody else. The party started in an hour.
“I was kind of in shock,” Taylor said. “Like, someone stole our chicken?” Taylor’s dad, Shane, was suddenly an unprepared host. He had nothing to feed his 300 guests. “I never made a contingency plan for stolen chicken,” Shane said.
“Six hundred,” Jimmy exclaimed. “What do you do with all those chicken fingers?”
Shane Brodersen didn’t file a police report, and Raising Cane’s hasn’t either — though a spokesperson told us they’re investigating what happened.
A goddamn genius, that’s who. Just think about it. This is the greatest crime ever committed in the history of mankind. Why? Well because first of all, the reward is ridiculously high. I mean just 100 chicken fingers would already be like a king’s ransom. Now multiply that by 6 and you’ve got enough chicken fingers to have yourself the greatest weekend of your life. And then the risk? Well there’s virtually no risk because they’re just chicken fingers.
The police have to worry about murder. The police have to worry about the selling and purchasing of illegal drugs. The police have to worry about all of this other shit that goes on in every day life, and they just don’t have time to give a shit about stolen chicken fingers. The only thing you have to worry about is how you’re going to pull off the heist. But if you just walk in there, pretend like you’re the person who is supposed to be picking up the 600 chicken fingers and nobody gets hurt? Well then you’re getting away free and you never have to worry about getting caught because nobody is actually going to file a police report for 600 stolen chicken fingers. It’s pure genius.
P.S. – It’s time to end the stigma against ordering chicken fingers out at a restaurant. I’m sick and tired of getting looked at like I’m a child when I contemplate getting the chicken fingers. They’re delicious. You know it. I know it. The waiter/waitress knows it. Why the hell aren’t more people ordering chicken fingers? I get that there are “fancier” things on the menu but the margin for error on those items is much higher. You could either order something that you end up fucking despising, or you can enjoy your life and down some chicken fingers. Quit shaming people for living their lives.
P.P.S. – Kind of obligatory.