Vladimir Putin Played In A Game Against A Bunch Of Former NHLers, Had 8 Goals, Is Still A Bender

It pains me so much to say something positive about Vladimir Putin (being that he’s a huge dick and everything). But scoring 8 goals in any game is pretty impressive. I mean, the guy knows how to get himself to high-quality scoring positions on the ice, isn’t afraid to throw some fists around and has a quick release on his shot. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s an absolute plug out there and should probably tape up his ankles a little more. I know that Obama is too much of a softy to ever challenge Vlad to a game of one-on-one, so I think that’s where I step in here and finally make a difference in this world. I’ll play Putin for Obama and I’ll mop the ice with his stupid Russian little face. Anyone with half a brain and a lazy-eye can tell that Putin is garbage out there. Only reason he potted some in the back of the net is because if the goalie doesn’t let those shots go in, he gets literal shot right on the spot. So I’ll gladly put on for my country and knock Vladimir Putin down a few pegs after this one. Here are a few examples of what you could expect from that match up.

Also, here’s a little gripe I have with Vladimir Putin the hockey player. Some more evidence that he’s one of the biggest plugs in all of the land.

Sweet ear guards, Vlad. Your mommy make you wear those or something? What a loser. Wanna know who else wears ear guards still? This sweet bitch.

Any coincidence that they’re both two of the absolute worst human beings in the world? I don’t think so. And yes, I know that Patrick Kane also wears ear guards but he can do whatever he wants and we’re just going to pretend like he doesn’t.

Sparknotes Version: Vladimir Putin had 8 goals last night but I’d kick his ass on the ice and he wears ear guards. Oh, and Pavel Bure was on his team. Not quite sure what to make of that. Pavel was one of my favorites growing up so it’s weird seeing him dish off a few apples to my nemesis.

Advertisement