Lady Gets Impaled By A Beach Umbrella At The Jersey Shore, Lives To Tell The Story
AP – Police say a London woman was impaled by a beach umbrella on the New Jersey shore.
The Asbury Park Press reports 67-year-old Margaret Reynolds was at Seaside Heights Monday afternoon when part of the umbrella pierced her right ankle and was driven completely through due to the “force of the wind.”
Borough Police Chief Tommy Boyd says fire crews had to use a bolt cutter on the umbrella to free the woman and put her in an ambulance. Authorities have not released further details on how the woman was injured.
I’ve long been of the belief that you should have to pass some sort of test before you’re allowed to bring an umbrella on to the beach. Because every single time there’s the slightest gust of wind, it’s like an impromptu IQ test. You immediately get to see who the functioning members of society are, and who spent the majority of their childhood eating paint chips for dessert. Because without fail, there is always at least one asshole who ends up with their umbrella flying 20 feet into the air and turning into a projectile ripping all the way across the beach.
You get all these jabronis who show up and think all they have to do is put the umbrella a few inches into the sand and they’re good to go. Uhhhh hey bozo, you ever heard of this little thing called wind? It happens pretty much every single day. You have to dig that son of a bitch deep into the earth and anchor that shit down. If you think it’s easy bringing an umbrella to the beach and setting it up, it’s because you’re doing it wrong. It needs to be strenuous labor or else you’re going to end up with your umbrella piercing through some lady’s leg and then you’re gonna have a nice little lawsuit on your hands. Somehow there are people in the world who don’t seem to understand that concept, though.
Also I’m not a huge fan of umbrellas on the beach to begin with. Maybe on like a Tuesday or Wednesday or something when the beach isn’t crowded as hell. But on the weekend when the beach is packed to the gills? Yeah sure just go right ahead and take up an extra 20 feet of space just because you’re afraid of a little sun. It’s selfish, is what it is. But if you’re going to be a selfish bastard and take up half the beach with your umbrella, the least you can do is glue that shit to the ground. It’s a shame that it took some poor old lady taking one directly through the leg for this to happen, but the time is now to declare war on the beach umbrella contingent of the world. We’re sick and tired of having to play dodgeball every time it gets windy and we will simply will not take it anymore.
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