It's Time To Fact Check Elias' "How I Know I'm In Philly" Song From Monday Night Raw In Philadelphia
So here’s the sitch–I don’t watch wrestling and haven’t sat through a Monday Night Raw since maybe 2004. So to be perfectly fair, I know next to nothing about this Elias character. From what I can gather, it appears that he is both a failed musician and a failed wrestler whose entire bit is to just trigger whichever city WWE is performing in that night while singing a song and wearing designer ripped jeans. Wrestling has clearly changed a lot over the 15 years since I stopped watching because back in my day, we would never see a wrestler get in the ring wearing ripped jeans and playing a guitar unless it was Stone Cold Steve Austin wearing cut off jean shorts and ripping up an electric guitar. The WWE used to be like a heavy metal concert, and now it’s like Jason Mraz lite. But I digress.
The point of this blog is that clearly Elias was doing his best to trigger the city of Philadelphia. And he at least gave it the ol’ college try. But as a journalist whose allegiance is always to the truth, it is my duty to fact check this “song” claim by claim. So let’s get into it.
You know how I know I’m in Philly…
1. “Because the Stanley Cup is nowhere to be found”
Okay so first of all, Elias is from Pittsburgh so he’s one of those mother fuckers who can’t have a conversation about Philadelphia without starting it by saying “Have you ever seen the Flyers win the Cup?”. I swear to god those bastards care more about the Flyers not winning a Cup since 1975 than they care about their own Penguins winning 3 in the Crosby era alone. But guess what, asshole? The Stanley Cup is nowhere to be found in Pittsburgh right now either. In fact, the Stanley Cup is either in Toronto right now in the Hockey Hall of Fame, or the replica is out with a member of the Washington Capitals organization. So unless you’re in Washington or Toronto right now, you won’t find the Stanley Cup anywhere else. Considering there are about a billion cities in the world, it seems kind of strange to say you KNOW you’re in Philly just because the Cup isn’t there.
Is he factually accurate by saying the Stanley Cup is nowhere to be found in Philly right now? Technically speaking, yes. But considering the Cup would only be in two cities at the moment, that would be like saying you know you’re in Philly because there are buildings. Sure, that’s a fact, but it’s also a fact in a billion other cities. Same goes for the Stanley Cup being nowhere to be found in both Philadelphia and Pittsburgh right now.
Fact Checker: 0/1
2. “Because everyone here takes such pride in this city”
I mean…is that supposed to be a dig or something? I thought this dude was supposed to be trolling Philly? Since when is having pride in your city a bad thing? Either way, he’s dead on about this one.
Fact Checker: 1/2
3. “Because everyone’s mom looks like that googly-slob, Gritty”
I mean has Elias not looked in a mirror recently? Guy looks just as much like a Wildling than anybody hanging out under a bridge in Kensington looks right now. But either way, I’m willing to admit that there are certainly some creatures who reside in the city of Philadelphia. There are creatures everywhere you go. But I also have plenty of friends with hot moms (sup?) so to say that “everyone’s mom” looks like Gritty is just a wildly inaccurate generalization. If he were to say that some of your moms look like Gritty then I’d say that he has a point.
Also–Gritty didn’t even exist until like 5 months ago. So I’d be willing to bet that in 4 months or so, we’ll start seeing a lot more babies in this city who look like Gritty after that greasy bastard ran through half the town. But at this time and place, I still cannot rule this claim by Elias to be a factual statement.
Fact Checker: 1/3
4. “Because everyone I see is a fat load”
Like I just said above, I realize that there are some creatures in Philly. But have you ever heard of Kevin Hart? Have you ever seen this man without a shirt on? For sure not a fat slob. Also–think about all the tweakers in this city. I don’t know how much you know about crackheads but most of them are rail thin. I’m not going to pretend like Philadelphia is home to some of the most beautiful humans on the planet. There are definitely some disgusting fatsos in this city but this is America. And there are disgusting fatsos no matter where you go. I find it hard to believe that there is a noticeably larger concentrated populous of fats in Philly than anywhere else.
Fact Checker: 1/4
5. “Because I saw an Eagles fan eating horse manure on the side of the road”
Ehhhh okay. I’ll give him that one. I mean Philly isn’t the only city in the world where a fan ate horse shit to celebrate their team winning a championship (see: Cleveland). But once one fan eats horse poop, it’s kind of hard to shake that stereotype. So I’m willing to concede this point to Elias.
Fact Checker: 2/5
6. “Because the children here have no future no matter how hard they try”
Hey, bozo. I already showed you Kevin Hart. But how about Kevin Bacon? Lil Dicky? Bradley Cooper? Meek Mill? Questlove? Rob McElhenney? Kobe? Wilt? Do I need to keep going on? Kevin. Fucking. Bacon. You’re trying to tell me that children here have no future when Kevin Fucking Bacon came out of Philly? Get lost, pal.
Fact Checker: 2/6
7. “Because Bryce Harper told me this is where his career would go to die”
Buddy,,,,,nobody in the history of cold takes is going to end up having a more frozen take than this one right here when all is said and done. Bryce Harper’s career is going to die in Philly? Have fun trying to walk that one back when Bryce recruits Mike Trout to sign here and the Phils are having annual parades in late October from 2020-2029. What a fucking idiot.
Also–I highly doubt that Bryce Harper, the $330 million man, would ever once in his life reach out to failed musician and wrestler Elias about his free agency solution. So not only is this a freezing cold take, but it’s also a bold faced lie. Bryce Harper didn’t tell Elias shit because Bryce Harper probably doesn’t know Elias exists.
Fact Checker: 2/7
Soooooo yeah. 2/7. That comes out to be around 28.57% factual information in this god awful song trying to roast the city of Philadelphia. That was the best he could come up with and it was less than 1/3 fact. The song didn’t even slap either. At this point all you can really do is feel sorry for this man. At the end of the day, he’s proven himself to be one thing and one thing only.