TikTok Thursdays Ft. KBnoswag and Kate
In case you missed the first ever TikTok Thursday, I broke down what exactly the app is and how exactly it’s poisoning the the very core of this country. This week, I dug up some real stinkers for your viewing pleasure, and have KBnoswag returning to commentate as well as Kate, who was in on the ground floor with me on the app from the beginning. Also, shoutout to superproducer BC for calling how this app would be huge, like, 3 years ago.
16. First Responder
Kenjac: I can’t believe how disrespectful I’ve been to Tow Truck drivers my entire life. I’ve never thanked one, or even spoken to one in my entire life! Also, by this metric, Brit McHenry is now public enemy number 1 to the first responder community, right?
Kate: Here’s the actual answer to this guy asking, “You know what I get asked a lot?”…
“HEY ASSHOLE, STOP, STOP! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING TOWING MY CAR RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I WAS ONLY IN THE STORE FOR TWO MINUTES! WHAT THE FUCK?!”
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Also, I couldn’t help but notice he’s from Desert Valley Towing. Makes sense, because after watching that I am pretty dry.
KB: I’m ALL about the whippersnappers who use this app to talk into the camera and make PSAs instead of just lip-syncing. As a consistent texter and driver, this one actually had an impact on me.
15. SingleMarineL00king4l0ve
Kenjac: This is not a dating app. So I’m not sure what Beamer, Benz or Bagram thinks he is accomplishing by posting this clingy flex and putting out into the world. The sheer number of troops that are doing this same thing are making
Kate: I know I ramble about it a good amount, but I, too, am a Marine. And seeing this… my God. It triggers every bone in my rickey little veteran body. Ladies & gents, a Lance Corporal with a Mercedes is a Lance Corporal paying 58% interest to a place that spells it “Karz” instead of “Cars”. He’s not gonna have the money to take you on a date.
KB: This is a BAAAAAD look for the troops. Not because this young man made a desperately cringey video that sucks astronomical amounts of ass, but because I wandered over to his Tik Tok profile and not one single girl liked it — just someone with the username @MAGAManDan92, who I’d assume is a male.
14. Mossad Mary
Kenjac: No joke, jets suit this lady the fuck up and drop her on Afghanistan. All conflicts in the middle east would be ended within a 2 weeks like when Dr. Manhattan went to Vietnam.
Kate: Whose Moms is this? Please come get her (from Rex Kwon Do class at the Terra Haute mini-mall off Rte. 30, 7pm). Side note – I feel like she may have made this whole video just to show those fabulous eye lashes off.
KB: I’d hate to make the innocent state of West Virginia a theme in this blog again, BUT this looks like the most powerful woman in Mercer County had just the right combination of prescription pills and pre-workout supplements, and then defended her boyfriend’s motel room from a local scoundrel.
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13. Naked Cowboys
Kenjac: *In Unison* Shower time, Adderall, a Glass of Whiskey, and Diesel Jeans.
Kate: For whatever reason, all I could think is that this seems like a situation Bobby Hill would get himself into if they still made King Of The Hill, and I can actually hear Hank Hill stumbling across it after it goes viral at his school or something & saying, “Goddamnit Bobby.”
KB: If you went to a Brantley Gilbert concert at a county fair in rural Kentucky and slipped some roofies into the horniest attendant’s drink, this is the video he’d make in the nearest bathroom before passing out.
12. Horny Cop
Kenjac: To some degree, I understand some of the thirst traps on here. But the self-aggrandizing ones like these deserve a special place in hell.
Kate: He may be able to find a suspect, but I promise you he will not find your clitoris.
KB: Take the most narcissistic former JV baseball player from any small town high school, feed him him some amphetamines and Viagra, and then give him the creative freedom to woo local girls — this is the result.
11. Stanced Up
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Kenjac: Just told my wife to stay home tonight.
Kate: “So help me God… Everyone else is cool, but I did not die for this man in particular.” – Jesus. Also, of course this guy had a USMC tattoo. Of course.
KB: Shut the FUCK up dude, I’m not fucking hard…that’s just the way my pants loo- ok fine, I’m hard.
10. I Don’t Think She Knows These Dances
Kenjac: Honestly, I think my twitter caption is all I can even say about this
Kate: More like, “Millie… STOP!” Amiright gang?
KB: This is the Shakira of Pendelton County, West Virginia.
9. Where’s Chris Hansen At?
Kenjac: There is a LOT of TikToks that I can’t post on twitter because they are overboard levels of creepy and this is usually the theme of them. C’mon, Mark Davis!
Kate: I’ll go ahead & say the uncomfortable thing we’re all thinking – He was totally offbeat with the words at the end there.
KB: Yeah, I want to make a joke about this SO bad, but the physical discrepancy between the two content creators in this video can only be indicative of a federal crime.
8. Do The Cat Daddy
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Kenjac: Just normal consenting adults being regular online.
Kate: Which of these guys do you think sends a nicer bottle of lotion in a bucket to the bottom of the well in their basement where they keep people captive until they’re ready to make clothes out of their skin? I’m gonna say guy on the right?
KB: My dick has never retracted into my body so quickly.
7. Gross House Guy
Kenjac: I think gross house guys are by far my favorite on the app. Sooooo over-willing to show you the imposed squalor they live in.
Kate: Seems about right that there’s a pussy running away from him here.
KB: When your sister comes home from a heroin run and she’s not wearing a bra.
6. BlocBoy’s New Rival
Kenjac: I mean, he killed that shit. Fucking legend init m8.
Kate: He was wearing camouflage but, unfortunately, somehow I was still able to see that.
KB: Again, respect to the Tik Tok users like this man who don’t rely on the cheap theatrics and cheat codes that come with free music and lyrics.
5. The Coolest Guy Ever
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Kenjac: This guy rocks so fucking hard, man. The real life “My New Haircut” guy.
Kate: Chest tattoo, eyebrow ring, popped collar, childhood bedroom, unwarranted confidence. I’m calling “Florida Man” on this one.
KB: Wait, this was actually fucking sick.
4. OCD Clean Freak Man
Kenjac: My favorite dirty house man of the week. Hall of fame level stuff.
Kate: Can you get Hepatitis from watching a TikTok?
KB: My internet must’ve froze because this video isn’t playing, but from the still image alone, I have secondhand scabies.
3. Fedora Frank
Kenjac: I thought fedora epic bacon meme culture was gone, but this guy just brought it back.
Kate: “It’s time to go beast mode” guy seems more like a “very late on child support” guy.
KB: In the next three years, this guy will either be responsible for a dead body that washes up from the Ohio River, or he will be the dead body that washes up from the Ohio River.
2. Normal Sing Along Guy
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Kenjac: I’ll admit, this one shook me to my core.
Kate: Singing baby songs with no teeth is a no-brainer. Lots in common there.
KB: Nope.
1. Who’s Father Is This?
Kenjac: Imagine this being your dad? Putting himself in your dogs piss-soaked crate for likes online from TikTok BSDM circles?
Kate: Glad to know what my high school biology teacher is up to now.
KB: I’m imagining a starving, unwashed preschooler filming this video; it was the 37th take.
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