Home Alone Power Rankings: Biggest Assholes of Home Alone 2
Well you had to know this was coming. After the Biggest Asshole In Home Alone blog created a frenzy, you know I had to follow up with all the additional assholes from Lost In New York. All the regulars – Buzz, Uncle Frank etc – all were taken care of in the previous blog. So this is just the additional dickheads from the sequel. For the record, I stand by Home Alone as the superior of the two movies. A) Its the original 2) the booby traps are better, and D) I know this is gonna sound absurd when discussing Home Alone, but part 2 is just too unrealistic. Harry’s head exploding in a toilet. Marv turning into a skeleton. Come on! I need some realism in my 10 year-old-defeats-grown-men-robbers-on-his-own saga!
Before we begin, I believe we should declare John Hughes and Chris Columbus a couple of magnificent assholes for basically recreating the same exact movie, frame for frame, with identical characters. Thank you, you brilliant assholes. Now lets begin
NY Ticket Agent
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Oh well looky here, another airline ticket agent that happens to be the biggest cocksucker in the world. Fucking 10 year old retard comes up to you asking what city is out the window. Reacts in complete and total shock when you tell him “Thats New York…sir” and whispers he’ll be fine as he slowly backs away in fear. Maybe that should possibly trigger some “this child needs help” thoughts inside your dumb ass brain? I’ll tell you man, good thing these movies were made pre-9/11 otherwise these films would have never worked. This all could have been avoided from the very moment he arrived in NY.
Asshole Rating: 5.0 out of 10
Operator at The Plaza
I’m not gonna harp too much on you babe, but just know that a fucking Talkboy duped you into giving the Plaza Penthouse to a 10 year old boy. I mean I guess hindsight is 20/20, but if you couldn’t tell that was someone speaking in slow mo, you’re a goddam idiot. “Peter McCallister…The FAAAATHER.” Come on. I guess you’re not that big of an asshole, you just suck at your job
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Asshole Rating: 5.0 out of 10.
African Bead Vendor
Remember this dude? Sells Kevin those beads on the street. What a piece of shit these bootlegger assholes. Just peddle fucking garbage on the street corner. This doesn’t really have to do with Home Alone. I just hate these foreigners who stand there taking up space on the sidewalk selling fake shit for like 3 dollars.
Asshole Rating: 5.0 out of 10.
This slut on Angles With Even Filthier Souls
Well lets see. You’ve been smoochin with everybody. Snuffy. Al. Leo. Little Moe, with the gimpy leg. Cheeks. Boney Bob. Cliff. Tell me babe, do you think its a good idea to be cheating on Johnny, the Gangster from Angels With Filthy Souls/Angels with Filthier Souls? He routinely murders people with his Tommy Gun for fun. 1..2..10 bitch. You’re Rat Bait.
Asshole Rating: 6.0 out of 10.
Mr. Duncan
Hey I’ll tell you what kid! You’re so nice and kind for donating that money I’m gonna give you a free toy. I’m a BILLIONAIRE with zillions of toys at my disposal. 3 or 4 floors of toys children would salivate over.
But here’s a couple fucking Turtle Doves.
Thanks a lot you cheapskate asshole. My mom gives me tube socks in my stocking every year and even those are a better gift than 2 ceramic birds.
Asshole Rating: 2.0 out of 10
Cedric
Jesus. Where do I begin with this cocksucker. Lets star from the beginning. Counts his tips in public like an ASSHOLE. Cedric this is the goddam Plaza, act like you’ve been there before. Blatantly asks for a tip from a 10 year old child. No fucking kidding you got Fruit Stripe gum dude. Why the fuck would you expect a 10 year old to have cash to tip you? You snoop through Kevin’s bag, you flash his boxers to all the girls on his floor. Tell me Cedric – name one good thing you did during this movie?
Asshole Rating: 7.0 out of 10
Officer Cliff
Actually I’m just fucking with you. How could you hate Office Cliff? He’s like the only guy whos not an asshole in either movie
Asshole Rating: 0.0 out of 10
Whores
I understand you’re a whore in the Pre-Giuliani days of New York City. That cannot be too fun. I’m not expecting you to be like Mother Goose here and save Kevin. But there’s a 10 year old alone on the streets of Manhattan at night and you’re fucking propositioning him? Real classy you big old bag of hepatitis. Have fun slowly dying of AIDS from a needle you shared with one of your junkie johns.
Asshole Rating 9.0 out of 10
This Cab Driver who looks like a fucking bag of SHIT
Dude WHAT is wrong with you? You look worse than the homeless dude who just screamed in Kevin’s face:
You are undoubtedly dying of liver disease. At least you have the self awareness that being inside your cab is just as scary as the hobos and the prostitutes on the streets at night. That knocks you down a few points.
Asshole Rating: 7.0 out of 10
Mrs. Stone
I want you to close your eyes, say this word, and tell me who you visualize:
“Cunt.”
Bam, you’re thinking of this bitch aren’t you? Absolutely the exact definition of a Seaward. Snobby, High Horse bougie bitch working in the Plaza Hotel. You ever get the feeling that she was just dying to fuck Mr. Hector, the main guy at the concierge? We’ll get to him in a minute. But you could tell she just craved his dick. She’d pull it out of his uptight pants, right out of his tighty whities and have snobby sex with him. What a perfect couple they’d make. With her customer service skills she probably should go be an airline ticket agent.
Asshole Rating 8.0 out of 10
Pigeon Lady
Now I know what some of you are saying. KFC shes such a sweet woman! Her husband fell out of love with her! She saved Kevin from being shot! Blah blah blah. This is exactly what I’m talking about – she’s the poster child for Home Alone fans getting duped. Out of everyone in these movies, shes the number 1 asshole who people are like “I love her!” No you dont! No you fucking don’t! Pigeon Lady is a homeless derelict. She feeds pigeons on the street. Its people like her why those winged rats pollute this city. Her husband fell out of love with her because she probably was addicted to crystal at some point or something. Obviously can’t hold down a good job. I guarantee if she walked up to you, you would JET in the other direction while telling her you don’t have any spare change. Get off your high horse – we’re talking about a homeless bum. She should go become a foster mother for a kid who wants the California Angels to win the pennant.
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PS – Old Man Marley and Pigeon Lady would make the biggest Asshole Power Couple of all time
Asshole Rating 9.0 out of 10
Mr. Hector
Mr. Hector. To be honest I didn’t even know his name. Had to IMDB it. Because all these years I’ve just been calling him “The Asshole at the Plaza.” Thats how you know he’s the biggest dick in this movie. His name is basically Asshole. The accent alone makes me wanna punch him directly in the dick. Spend his days breaking into his guest’s rooms. Peeping on them in the shower like some sort of nosy pervert. Oh but congrats you were able to crack the case of the stolen credit card after letting a 3rd grader scam you for like 2 fucking days. Too bad you actual sent him out into the cold streets of New York to what would ordinarily be certain death if it wasn’t for the fact that you were dealing with a maniacal sociopath. And lets not forget the time you and your band of bell hops were stupid enough to think there was an insane guest with a Tommy Gun about to mow you down. The only other fucking moron to fall for that was the Little Nero’s delivery idiot. Well done, Plaza hotel employees. Well done.
Asshole Rating: 10 out of 10.