Get Your Piss Breaks In Now Because The Listed Runtime For Avengers: Endgame Is 3 Hours And 2 Minutes

Clem3/25/2019 5:10 PM

BIG MOOD

After all the bellyaching about the first two episodes of Thrones Season 8 being less than an hour, look at Marvel come out and unfurl a 3 hour and 2 minute hammer on the table for the most anticipated comic book follow up movie ever. Marvel gave the Russo brothers as much time as they needed to cook up another masterpiece and I cannot be more thrilled. Actually I would have been even more thrilled if the Russos got nuts with it and had two 3 hour parts broken up with an intermission for a 6+ hour MARATHON. I miss these silly assholes.

Infinity War’s runtime was 2:40 and that went in the blink of an eye with a bunch of hopping around through fun and exciting character combinations we had never seen before. Adding another 22 minutes on top of that will be a breeze. We will likely have a shitload of the fallout from The Snap, find a way to weave in Captain Marvel’s arrival, and explain just what the fuck the quantum realm for people that haven’t watched the Ant-Man movies since it appears that is going to play a role in unsnapping half the universe, even though I am still holding out hope that the greatest fan theory ever comes to pass.

The real story about this runtime however is just how important it is to pick the right theater for Endgame. You can’t be going to the old place down the road with the shitty seats and sticky floors. You can do that for a 90-minute artsy “film”. But if you are going to be stuck in a movie theater for three hours, you are going to have to go to the place with the bougie cushioned leather seats that recline, have waiter service, bathrooms that aren’t usually too crowded and preferably a seat where your neck isn’t at a 90 degree angle for 182 minutes. You also are going to have to think twice if you want to slug down a few beers during the movie, which will ensure you either miss the final scene where Thanos gets his dick kicked in because you were pissing in the bathroom or you will be in such agony, you will be begging for the Russo brothers to wrap that shit up.

What will I be doing? Fasting from liquids the entire day so I can sit with an empty bladder in a seat I bought the minute presales begin. I missed 2 minutes of Infinity War because I had to piss and was in the aforementioned agony at the end of the movie because I had to pee again. But I will be swearing off all liquids until the credits roll in Endgame, which will almost definitely result in a toilet bowl full of Club Dave piss minutes later.