Biggest Piece Of Celebrity Shit Tournament: Region 1 (Part 2 of 7)

Large3/25/2019 11:55 AM

As promised, here are the first 16 assholes you will eventually get the chance to vote on in order to see who’s the Biggest Piece of Celebrity Shit.

My goal here is to give you backgrounds on every contestant and hopefully teach you a thing or three about these assholes that you didn’t know yesterday.

Speaking of assholes (which I have now used three times in as many sentences)… This first region is now officially called THE ASSHOLE REGION.

#1 SEED- O.J. SIMPSON

Rightfully #1 with a bullet (or knife, as it were)… Charged with Murder, Armed Robbery, and Kidnapping.

In 1994 arrested and charged with the murders of ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and Ron Goldman… Was miraculously acquitted.
In 1997 civil court awarded a $33.5 million judgment against him for the wrongful deaths.
In 2007, arrested charged with the felonies of armed robbery and kidnapping.
In 2008, he was convicted and sentenced to 33 years imprisonment.

He is tough to beat because he is so fucking despicable.

I wrote this blog on OJ’s birthday. It has very little to do with him, but it was a funny story about me doing something I shouldn’t be proud of if you care to reminisce…

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#2 SEED- AARON HERNANDEZ

Again… Another BAD guy right here, and 1 of only 5 dead people in this tournament.

I put him in here because you still have the opportunity to perhaps buy his jersey, or maybe discuss his accomplishments on the football field as if he was a real person… Which he wasn’t… He was a fucking animal.

On April 28, 2007, according to a police report in Gainesville, Florida, 17-year-old Hernandez consumed two alcoholic drinks in a restaurant with Tim Tebow, refused to pay the bill, and was escorted out by a restaurant employee. As the manager walked away, Hernandez “sucker punched” him on the side of the head, rupturing his eardrum.

Certainly not the worst thing this dickhead has done, but he unfairly did it in front of Tim Tebow, who must’ve been just terrified watching someone consume TWO WHOLE alcoholic beverages, much less assault a restaurant employee… Poor Timmy.

Then there was also the 2013 murder of Odin Lloyd…

April 15, 2015, Hernandez was found guilty of murder in the first degree, a charge that in Massachusetts automatically carries a sentence of life in prison without a possibility of parole; he also was found guilty of five firearm charges.

A motive for the murder was never definitively established, but police investigated the possibility that Lloyd may have learned of Hernandez’s homosexuality and Hernandez was worried that Lloyd may out him to others.

He hung himself in his jail cell in April of 2017… Good riddance.

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#3 SEED- ROMAN POLANSKI

Here’s a slimy-prick many younger readers may not know.

On February 1, 1978, after 42 days in jail, Polanski (a famous Hollywood film director) fled the US while awaiting final sentencing for the sexual assault of 13-year-old Samantha Gailey, after having pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse with the minor. He has been a fugitive from the U.S. criminal justice system ever since.

This is a rare case where we know exactly what happened because Polanski admitted to it and then later wrote about it in astonishing detail in his autobiography… Here is the skinny: In March of 1977, Polanski, who was then 43, took a child, Samantha Gailey, who he knew was 13 years old, to Jack Nicholson’s house to take photos of her for a magazine. There, he gave her champagne and, according to her, quaaludes. He then sodomized her, drove her home, and was arrested the next day.

The fact that he took asylum outside of the US should be the end of the story BUT what bothers me almost as much as his crime is the fact Roman Polanski continued to make multiple movies with big-name Hollywood actors for fucking DECADES after admitting to drugging and then fucking a kid.

Here are just a couple:

Frantic with Harrison Ford

The Ninth Gate with Johnny Depp

The Pianist with Adrian Brody (Which Roman won an Oscar for!)

The Ghost Writer with Ewan McGregor

Carnage with Jodie Foster

All of these movies, plus a handful more… All directed by Polanski, and all starring people with a drawer filled with #metoo pins.

So Indiana Jones, Edward Scissorhands, the guy with the big nose, young Obi-Wan, and Clarice Starling conveniently overlooked the sodomy of a 13-year-old girl whose family saw ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING JUSTICE BECAUSE THIS BITCH FLED THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

Now that you know about Roman Polanski, please watch this clip of when Han Solo (who ironically also played the lead role in The Fugitive) presented fugitive Roman with an Academy Award 25 years after he left the country. Try not to be infuriated by the standing ovation he gets from the most conveniently sensitive touch-holes in Hollywood.

Fucking disgraceful.

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#4 SEED- CHRIS BROWN

This guy loves to dance, and allegedly, he loves to beat up on women.

In 2009, Brown and Rihanna had an argument which escalated into physical violence, leaving Rihanna with visible facial injuries which required hospitalization. Brown was booked under suspicion of making criminal threats. He eventually pled guilty to a felony and was sentenced to five years of probation, one year of domestic violence counseling, and six months of community service… If he would’ve hit Beyonce, he would’ve been killed on the spot.

In 2012, while conducting his community service in Virginia, Brown was tested positive for cannabis and appeared in court on September 25, 2012, prior.

And I wrote this after Brown’s latest arrest earlier this year…

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#5 SEED- TERRY RICHARDSON

Terry is a famous photographer pictured above with that teaspoon-full-of-cum, Woody Allen.

Richardson is known for his racy photo shoots and was also the director of the music video for Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball.

His transgression is that he has been accused repeatedly of sexual assault or exploitation of models during photo shoots, coercing them to engage in sexual acts.

These allegations are still currently under investigation by the NYPD’s Special Victims Squad, but the list of his accusers is lengthy.

At 21, Scout Willis (the daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore) allegedly reported a sexual assault encounter with Richardson on her Twitter account… “Last night Terry Richardson tried to finger me. I didn’t let him, obviously. But I did let him photograph me topless in the bathroom.”

Atta girl, Scout… And nice job, Bruce.

Jesus Fucking Christ. I wish I was making some of this shit up.

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#6 SEED- JOHN LENNON

Dead guy #2.

Not everyone knows this, but John Lennon was a terrible father who openly admitted his affection for hitting women.

I wrote about it in this blog on the anniversary of his latest birthday…

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#7 SEED- DON KING

Don King is widely known as one of the dirtiest boxing promoters in the history of an already historically dirty sport and has been sued by over a dozen fighters (including the little known Muhammed Ali, Larry Holmes, Lennox Lewis, and Mike Tyson) claiming King had stolen tens of millions of dollars from them.

However, long before he was the world’s most infamous boxing promoter, King ran a gambling and loan shark operation in Cleveland and was known to be even more ruthless when it came to that business.

In 1954, King shot a man in the back after spotting him trying to rob one of his gambling houses; this incident was ruled a justifiable homicide.

Ten years later, some poor bastard named Sam Garrett reportedly owed Don $600 and King stomped him to death over the gambling debt. King was convicted of non-negligent manslaughter in 1966 but only served four years for the crime. Ohio Gov Jim Rhodes eventually pardoned King for the crime in 1983.

Scumbag promoter and killed 2 people… Only in America… Vote accordingly.

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#8 SEED- MIKE TYSON

This is the point in the bracket where I get a little hypocritical.

In 1991, Iron Mike was arrested for the rape of 18-year-old Desiree Washington. He was convicted a year later and sentenced to 6 years in prison with 4 years of probation.

Tyson is still required to register as a Tier II sex offender under federal law.

The hypocrisy lies with the fact that I actually LIKE Tyson, and I think a big reason that I am willing to forgive him is that he actually did some time for his crimes and because he is WILDLY entertaining.

I wrote about Mike multiple times, including this piece that I penned on his birthday last year…

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#9 SEED- KOBE BRYANT

Hypocritical choice Part 2- Mamba was arrested in 2003 in connection with an investigation of a sexual assault complaint filed by a 19-year-old hotel employee. The accuser stated that Bryant raped her in his hotel room. Bryant admitted to an adulterous sexual encounter with his accuser but denied her sexual assault allegation. The charges were eventually dropped but the damage was done for me.

I hate Kobe Bryant, and the un-prosecuted rape thing shouldn’t fuel that hatred, but for some reason it does.

Plus, he is another guy with a checkered past that was able to stand up in front of 1,000 Hollywood douchebags and receive an Oscar, even though it was the apex of the aforementioned #metoo crescendo.

The 8 vs 9 seed matchup in this region should be a no brainer for most… The convicted rapist should move on ahead of the alleged rapist, but I go the other way… Fuck Kobe.

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#10 SEED- MOOKIE BLAYLOCK

Staying in the NBA, the only trivia I knew about the former Atlanta Hawks point guard was that his name was also the original name chosen by Eddie Vedder for the band Pearl Jam, and his jersey number was the inspiration for the title of their first studio album named “Ten”… The fact that Mookie is number 10 in this bracket is no coincidence. I think these things through.

What I didn’t know was that he was also charged with vehicular homicide and DUI.

In 2013, Blaylock was involved in a head-on collision. Blaylock’s vehicle traveled left-of-center, causing the accident.

Although initially surviving the crash, a passenger in the other vehicle died as a result of injuries from the collision.

Blaylock was charged with vehicular homicide, driving on a suspended license and failing to stay in his lane.

Blaylock had an outstanding warrant on charges of DUI and drug-related offenses at the time, but “investigators did not believe alcohol was a factor in the crash.”

On October 27, 2014, Blaylock pleaded guilty to killing Monica Murphy, a mother of five and was sentenced to 15 years for vehicular homicide and other charges in the head-on collision as part of a plea bargain.

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#11 SEED- BOBBY BROWN

Every little step the former New Edition member made led to trouble… Battery, DUI, drug possession, and missed child support payments to name a few. But his biggest crime was that he ruined Whitney Houston.

Diagnosed with ADD and bipolar disorder, Brown said that his drug of choice was marijuana and that he had developed alcoholism at an early age. Prior to his marriage to Houston, Brown began using cocaine.

In 2003, he was arrested for misdemeanor battery, allegedly for striking Whitney while shouting epithets.

In 2004, Bobby was arrested and jailed on a parole violation related to a previous drunk driving conviction.

Later that year, Brown was sentenced to 90 days in prison for missing three months of child-support payments.

And between 2012 and 2013, Brown was arrested for multiple DUIs

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#12 SEED- MARK WAHLBERG

Not sure if everyone knows about this.

First off, Marky-Mark looks A LOT like his New Kid brother in this mugshot, but Mark was definitely the one charged with attempted murder, pleaded guilty to assault, and was sentenced to two years in prison.

He was definitely the guy who once chased three black children while yelling “Kill the n-word, kill the n-word!”

In 1988 Mark was definitely the one who approached a Vietnamese man and, using a large wooden stick, struck him in the head until he was knocked unconscious while calling him some pretty racist shit.

The same day, Wahlberg attacked a 2nd Vietnamese man named Hoa “Johnny” Trinh, punching him in the eye without provocation. This genius was arrested later that night when he returned to the scene of the first assault, and valiantly stated to police officers, “You don’t have to let him identify me, I’ll tell you now that’s the mother-fucker whose head I split open.” Investigators also noted that Wahlberg “made numerous unsolicited racial statements about Asians.”

He eventually served a 45-day prison sentence and carries a permanent felony record.

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#13 SEED- TIGER WOODS

I put this one in just to piss off Riggs, I suppose, but we all know Tiger is a scumbag adulterer, right?

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#14 SEED- HEATHER LOCKLEAR

In 2018, Locklear was arrested for domestic violence and battery against a police officer. She was charged with one felony count of domestic violence and three misdemeanor counts of battery on a police officer. As deputies arrived at her Thousand Oaks home, she allegedly kicked three of the arresting sheriff deputies and told the deputies she would shoot at them if they ever came into her home again.
2018, Locklear was arrested again, this time for two misdemeanor counts of battery.

I did a slightly deeper dive into Heather’s checkered past in this old cheesecake-laden blog…

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#15 SEED- TREVOR BERBICK

A former heavyweight champion boxer from Jamaica and the 3rd of 5 dead guys in this tourney.

If you want to remember one piece of trivia about his boxing days, he was the last man to fight Muhammad Ali… He beat up on Ali for 10 rounds in 1981.

If you want to remember 1 thing about his life, Berbick was arrested and sentenced in Florida to 5 years in prison for raping his children’s 16-year-old babysitter in 1992.

If you want to remember 1 thing about his death, on October 28, 2006, Berbick was murdered at a church in Norwich, Jamaica by an assailant wielding a steel pipe. Trevor suffered multiple blows to the head and died at the scene. It was later found out that the assailant was his nephew who he was in a land dispute with.

So you hate Trevor Berbick if:
1) You’re an Ali fan.
2) Not a fan of rape.
or 3) One of his nephews.

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#16 SEED- VANILLA ICE

Just like in the real tournament, 16 seeds won’t move the needle, so I just tried to throw in someone benign with an interesting resumé.

In 1988, Vanilla was arrested for illegal drag racing.
In 1991, he was arrested for firearm charges after threatening a homeless man… Which we’ve all wanted to do at one time or another.
In 2001, Ice was arrested for assaulting his wife. He pled guilty to charges of disorderly conduct.
After 7 years of good behavior, he was arrested again in 2008 on a battery charge for allegedly kicking & hitting his wife.
And in 2015, he was arrested and charged with burglary.