Barstool PSA - There Is Nothing Worse Than Apple Picking

Its that time of year again, folks. Apple picking season. Over the next couple weeks, you’ll see nothing but idiots updating facebook and twitter and instagram with “Apple picking with the bf!” “Apple picking upstate with the fam!” with a bunch of pictures of fucking apples. And so every year I post this blog as the voice of reason for normal dudes and normal boyfriends who think this is the dumbest activity on earth. There’s a limited number of weekend days in the fall and not one rational, average guy wants to spend it apple picking with their girlfriend. I spoke about this on this week’s episode of MailTime last night but I feel its my duty to put up the blog each year as a reminder.

Here’s the list of things that are stupider than apple picking:

1. There are no things stupider than apple picking.

I mean I almost want someone to invite me just so I can hear the reasoning behind it. You want me to drive somewhere upstate to walk around in a field and pick apples off of tree branches? Like peruse through a grove of apple trees examining which apples are the ones that look good to me, and then I pick them and put them in a basket and we pay someone for the apples and then we go home like 20 minutes later? How long could it take to pick apples? And then I guess we go home and eat them? You ain’t baking a pie and neither am I.

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Sounds fucking riveting. Like I could understand if apples were some sort of super rare delicacy and there was only one place you could get them and then you would have to go apple picking. But I can buy apples from a dude with a table on the street right outside my apartment. I don’t have to drive anywhere. Don’t have to walk around in a field. And I don’t have to lug a basket of heavy ass apples all over the place.

Fuck all that noise. Apple picking is just something that the snobby families and the snobby couples do to try and make themselves feel better than the real couples and families who spend their weekends in the fall watching football and drinking beer. Congratulations, you guys are the outdoorsy type. You guys are enjoying the fall weather walking around a field pretending to care about apples. You think its something your kids are enjoying even though they are just too young and dumb to know any better. I know you see pictures of me at the bar on a Saturday crushing wings and beer and you think to yourself “I’m better than him because I went and picked out 45 apples.” But guess what? You’re not. You’re not better than me. You’re just a big fucking idiot who’s doing some stereotypical fall activity to try to convince yourself you’re respectable. You’ll probably run the Marathon in a few weeks while I booze my face off in a bar. You probably volunteer at a soup kitchen during the Christmas season while I drink Irish coffee and watch Home Alone. You probably think I feel bad when I see you doing all that “productive” shit on social media. But I don’t. And deep down everyone knows you don’t really wanna do that shit either. Its all for appearance. Smoke and mirrors and motherfucking apples. Get real.

PS – Don’t tell me you go because there’s donuts there. You can get donuts anywhere that dont involve traveling to a goddam orchard and wasting a day doing manual labor.