My First Week Of Football Fandom Hasn't Gone Great

This Sunday, I attended a football watch party at the Ainsworth in Chelsea, and let me tell you: I am concerned.

First of all, if you missed it, last week I selected the New Orleans Saints as my NFL team. They got absolutely wrecked. Drew Brees tore a ligament in his thumb and will likely be out for six weeks. For all my people who might not know, that’s the quarterback. He’s important. Cool cool, tight tight, fun fun! It’s possible I’m a very bad luck charm for the Saints and need to pick a new team. Maybe I’ll pick the Patriots and Tom Brady will tear his ACL or something. Kidding, kidding! I think that would actually get me fired.

Second of all, I understand way less about football than I thought I did. Here’s my basic understanding. There’s 2 teams. One ball. Someone spikes the ball to the quarterback and he throws it to someone who in theory catches it and tries to run to the end of the field to score a touchdown for 6 points. Also the kicker can kick the ball and score a field goal, for 3 points. If you get a touchdown you can also score a field goal too, but then it’s only one point.

That’s all I got.

Apparently that’s not going to help me very much. There are a lot of things that go on that I straight up do not understand. Poor Kate and Feits were stuck next to me asking what were likely the world’s stupidest questions. It’s stressful. I mean, what the fuck is a third down? Is it better or worse than a first? I don’t fuckin know you guys.

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However, that’s what this week is for. This Friday, 3pm EST, I’ll be live on twitch talkin the Rules Of Football. Possibly pulling some celeb guests to explain shit to me, quiz me, whatever. I’m sure there’s some high school gym class study guide with the rules somewhere on the internet. Wish me luck.