Guess Who Has Health Insurance Again!
If you saw my post about the vagina calzone you might know I got my start here last fall, leading to a freelance role with Barstool’s ZeroBlogThirty thanks to encouragement from @UncleChaps & the gang. And today I signed my contract up at the NY office & this was my first day as a full time employee. And it’s really no big deal. Just gonna be cool about it or whatever.
::squeals like bitcc in bathroom, happy-sweats profusely through discount Kohl’s sweater, imagines cartwheeling across office, alienates others with awkward hovering, sharts new Hanes::
On my way up to the office from Philly this morning I was nervous. Not one to count my Tostino’s Rolls before they’re fully microwaved, I wasn’t 100% certain this was a sure thing. Plus I was meeting with El Presidente & CEO Erika Nardini and didn’t even have a good jumpsuit to wear.
They weren’t quite ready when I arrived so I took a seat next to @RadioBren, our ZBT producer. Through the clutter of take-out containers & coffee cups a crumpled piece of paper catches my eye & I absentmindedly start reading it,
“Derek Jeter is a serpant trying to spread his demon seed, folks I have reason to believe he is in cahoots with the fake marlins man. I want you to flash back in time just weeks after engineering a false flag attack on the united states heres New World Order advocate George w bush delivering a secret coded message to Derek Jeter….”
Having been to this office a few times it rings a bell. Last time I was here I saw PFT recording his Alex Jones Infoscores segment & this must be the script floating around. Next to it, there’s an eggplant bumper sticker on the table with the words ‘clone-a-willy’. Fingers crossed they figure that out soon. In the bathroom above the toilet; a pee-color hydration chart which I know my old drill instructors would appreciate.
Back at my temporary spot, everyone is busy on their high-speed laptops & I’m a little embarrassed to pull mine out but I do so I look busy. My enormous old Hewlitt Packard, a Cadillac Coup DeVille in a sea of Macbook BMWs, hits the table with a thump. And then I can’t get it to connect to the internet so I start writing articles on Microsoft word with a very serious look on my face. Don’t mind me, doing some big offline work over here.
Zah is kind enough to chat me up & tells me he’s got momentary writers block on his article about China sending condoms that are too small to Zimbabwe. (Glad to see that worked out, fellow co-worker! ehh?! ehh?!!!!) Meanwhile, Tex’s mullet shines & flows as he walks by us to the whiteboard to write words of wisdom via Kenny Powers.
Soon I go in to meet with Dave and the mountain of papers on his desk is everything I wanted it to be. I crane my neck to answer a few of his questions & get the impression he’s a busy gent; throughout the day I see him in one of the podcast rooms, then behind the camera recording a segment, then walking around catching up with people, then off to a meeting & so on.
There’s a gap before I meet with Erika so I go back to plugging away at some ideas with a very serious look on my face, offline. Behind me Francis is recording the intro set for the upcoming episode of the Barstool Variety Hour . I don’t want to laugh but I can’t help it. Next to me @RadioBren puts his headphones on.
I see that my latest article has posted about the Philly Stones League & check out the comments. Someone asks if I took the photos for the story with a potato. Another reader writes, “Jesus Christ, fire this broad.” Please, I prefer ‘cunt’. And pls not yet, Dave. I’m pretty jazzed about this health insurance thing. #MommaNeedsToFixHerSnaggleTooth
Somewhere I hear a guitar playing while I eavesdrop on the latest with Twitter’s suspension of @PitchingNinja. Erika messages that she’s ready to meet and along the way I pass Ria & Fran of CITO. I have the urge to tell them the latest on Tristan Thompson before realizing I read it on their Twitter on the train that morning. Suddenly walking around gives me the feeling that I’m walking through the internet. (I’ve only had this feeling once before but for other reasons.)
Erika shows me around the office & introduces me to several other fellow co-workers. ehh?! ehh?!!!! Then I walk into the kitchen & open the fridge looking for water. Not seeing any, I turn to the doorway to ask someone but Dave is walking in when I’m mid sentence.
“Does anyone know if… oh hey, do you know if there’s any water around here,” I ask while standing directly in front of two full cases.
“Um.” – Dave, pointing at all the water
“Oh, heh! You got a real sharp one here, heh heh!” – Me
“(silence)” – Dave
After laughing weirdly & too loudly for a second & slinking out of the kitchen, I realize it’s time to catch my train & head over to Penn Station. With a few minutes to spare I can’t help but stop into the Rooftop Bar & order a quick Jameson. It tastes a little better than normal. Cheers to a new adventure at a dream job.